I’m broken. But aren’t we all? That doesn’t make me feel better, though. I’m broken on my own. Living with a disorder like Bipolar it often feels like an absolute death sentence. How can it possibly be that in 2022, we can’t cure it? Sometimes I fall into this deep hole of fury and anger. This is something that I will deal with every single day of my life. How can I breathe? How do you breathe?
And maybe, we breathe through the broken.
The parts of me that are cracked, broken, stretched out are the parts that allow fresh air in. But, that doesn’t take away from being broken. It just explains how one can breathe. Sometimes I feel so alone. But not just alone, like without people. Alone without anything. Like empty. Gone. As if I wasn’t ever here. Nothing I feel ever existed. This feeling becomes so overwhelming. I fight the tears back. My heart races. I don’t understand.
Sometimes I feel so low. Like, beyond digging a hole and sitting in it alone, but low. Low where it hurts just to keep blinking my eyes. It hurts just to be a human. It hurts to function and be normal. Why do I have to be normal? Why can’t I just be this? But… then again, what is this? Miserable. Depressed. Low.
This is what life is. This is as good as it gets. I feel immense guilt for not being happy. I have everything. And yet, it feels like I’m entirely alone. I feel broken beyond repair this time. Every time my mood cycles, it feels like death over and over. How many times am I going to do this? The truth is what is the most haunting. The truth is… essentially the death sentence.
Every single time I google and read it, I am astounded. How will I live with this for my entire life? How did I get it? Why do I have it? Have I had it for my entire life? Because I had all these questions, I assumed I wasn’t alone. Might maybe others be interested in some of these answers? Well, don’t you worry, because I’m uncovering all the answers below. (So, you have to keep reading!) But first, have you read my other blog posts related to bipolar disorder? While I am most definitely NOT a medical doctor, I am someone who lives it. You might be interested in the story or even learn something!
Hahaha, well… maybe I’ve written quite a few. And yet, I still have so many questions. I’m still so confused. So, I’m unwrapping it all again.
What The Hell Is Bipolar Disorder?
Ahhh, yes… the question. What exactly is bipolar disorder? Bipolar disorder formally called manic depression, is a mental illness. It causes severe mood swings and mental instability. The moods are characterized by highs (mania or hypomania) and lows . . . hello, depression. So basically, you can be anywhere on that spectrum.
Does Bipolar Disorder Eventually Go Away?
Nope. In fact, without treatment, it might even get worse. It is a lifelong journey, my friends. Unfortunately, there isn’t a cure; you won’t outgrow it, nor will you magically just “get better.” Believe me; I’ve tried.
Does Bipolar Disorder Require Treatment?
A somewhat controversial question, don’t you think? Of course, it’s always ALWAYS best to speak with your doctor. However, in my experience and reading, it’s not common that the neurological disorder can be untreated, and the person still lives a happy and fulfilling life. Read this articlefor information about Bipolar Disorder diagnosis and treatment.
What Is A Bipolar Person Like?
This is something people google, so let’s unpack it. Everyone is different. Every single person. So having a label such as “bipolar” does not mean a person will be a certain way. If you’re wondering what some signs that a person is experiencing a manic episode, here are is some information:
Unusually upbeat or jumpy
Decreased need for sleep
Impulsive decision making
What Do I Do If I Suspect My Loved One Might Be Struggling?
BE THERE. Listen. Be there always. Please encourage them to see their doctor and maybe even go with them to ensure they’re sincere. Don’t tell them they’re crazy or minimize their feelings. That can lead to a crisis for those struggling, especially if they ALSO don’t quite understand what’s going on.
Common Misconceptions About Bipolar Disorder:
Well, gosh, you might want to go get a coffee first or smoke a joint or something. The amount of misconceptions about this disorder is un-fucking-believable. Take notes, babes. That way, you can go out into the world and be a part of the change. Be a part of the growth. EDUCATION IS KEY. Okay – did you go get your coffee? Ready for some common misconceptions about bipolar disorder? Do your part and stop believing the following –
Bipolar disorder is rare. No, it’s not. Unfortunately, there are MANY of us suffering.
Bipolar disorder is simply mood swings.
Bipolar affects everyone the same.
Bipolar affects only adults.
People with this neurological disorder can’t lead normal lives.
Bipolar people are either manic or depressed.
There is only one type of Bipolar Disorder.
It’s impossible to treat or help people with bipolar.
Bipolar Disorder is not real.
Once the bipolar disorder is under control, the person can stop their treatment.
Alcoholism and drug abuse is the cause of bipolar disorder.
Now that we know what it’s not. Let me tell you some facts about what it IS.
Bipolar Disorder Facts
Mixed episodes exist. You can be both manic and depressed simultaneously, and trust me… it sucks.
Bipolar disorder can affect children. (Don’t listen to anyone who tells you differently.)
Both mania and depression can be dangerous.
HealthIy living can make a huge impact on managing bipolar disorder.
A person can not stop taking their medication unless instructed by their doctor. Even if you seem better. You are better because maybe the medication is working.
Bipolar Disorder affects everyone differently.
With proper treatment and care, people with bipolar disorder CAN lead normal and healthy lives.
I was just diagnosed. What now?
If I could suggest something it would be to give yourself grace, space, care and compassion. The reading and research you might do will be emotionally draining and challenging. Remember to take care of yourself throughout the journey of trying to understand your diagnosis. Be gentle.
Some tips and tricks that I’ve found helpful, and let me repeat, I’m not a doctor, are:
maintain a regular schedule
have a bed time
move my body
If you just got your diagnosis, consider this a digital hug. It’s okay. There are many of us. We can ban together and support each other.
Sending love and light to every one who read this.