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My Bipolar Truth
Health&Wellness,  Life with N

What My Bipolar Disorder Looks Like

If you’ve read my blog before then you probably know I struggle with Bipolar Disorder. Today I’m telling my Bipolar truth. I’m baring some intense details of my life.

I’ve been on a path of trying to find the right medication for roughly two and a half years. In those years I’ve gained about 30 pounds and a lot of grey hair. Times have been very trying and on a lot of days I felt like I wanted to go to sleep forever. Not necessarily dying, but sleeping, for a really long time. My bipolar truth is deep, dark and at times very scary. Some days it felt like the world was too heavy for me to carry and I couldn’t keep going. (You can read more about how that feels here .)

It’s interesting to hear/see peoples reactions when they find out my diagnosis.

I think people worry about the shift in mood. They worry what it’ll look like, and how it’ll affect them. But my bipolar truth is far more than mood swings. It’s far more than that. There’s so many parts about living with this disorder that aren’t talked about, nor understood. I think it’s time to change that.

So, I’m sharing with you some very raw and honest pieces that I’ve never shared before. I’m sharing my bipolar truth. Please don’t judge me harshly. I’m being transparent with the hopes to educate and help others understand, along with speaking up for the ones that have yet to find their voice or support.

My bipolar disorder makes it so difficult sometimes to do any self-care, right down to showering.

There are several days in a month that my husband runs a bath for me and washes my hair. The low is so intense that at many times I simply can’t move. My body aches. The weight of the disorder breaks me down, and at this point, self-care is the furthest things in my point. I’m breaking at this point. Beyond any repair. Bipolar takes away everything and makes my life a space I no longer want to exist in.

My bipolar disorder makes it so that I struggle to remember to even shower. My skin has gotten so irritated and infected solely from not bathing. If I said I don’t mean to do this, would you believe me? Do you know what it’s like to have no control over this? It’s not a matter of maybe I’m lazy. It’s that I can’t. My husband keeps track of when I last showered so that he can remind me to do it again.

On the outside my hair looks scruffy with wild curls, but on the inside, I’m broken and not able to take care of myself.

And even if you flip it, and imagine this task during hypomania, the difficulty comes with trying to concentrate and focus on the actual task. My bipolar disorder takes away my ability to take care of myself. It also takes away my ability to do things like volunteer and work. I always thought I’d volunteer in my children’s classrooms, but sadly I can’t. From the dark grey depression I carry, to the distractibility and lack of focus, these are tasks I can’t do no matter how hard I try.

I can’t go to school events like parent teacher alone.

I know my symptoms are “too loud” for lack of a better term. I get incredibly anxious being with people and struggle with maintaining and being a part of conversation. All emails from the school go to my husband and myself, because I will forget. Another thing I can’t control.

My husband attends my doctors appointments to ensure my doctor is able to get the whole picture and not just the side I will tell. Even if it’s things I don’t want to talk about, and are not proud of, my doctor needs to know in order to help me. My husband does this because I can’t. When I’m good, I’m SO good that nothing bad exists. And same for the opposite. So my doctor will only get half the story, when she needs the whole one.

My budget is handled by my husband.

It seems as if everything its to be honest. A lot of days I feel useless and like nothing but a burden. I can’t handle even a simple transaction. I can’t talk to the cashier. I make too many online purchases and now I need my husband to okay things. It leaves me feeling like a child.

This is only a small peek into my every day life. My entire existence is dependent on my husbands support. So what would I do if I didn’t have him? Isn’t that the scary part? I would be even more vulnerable. Please never stop fighting to get to a stable place. Never EVER stop fighting. Even when it feels like there’s no point, and believe me when I say I know this feeling. We gotta keep fighting.

Drop me a comment if you’re still here and fighting.

Love Always, Enn

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25 Comments

  • Annie

    I’ve had symptoms for quite some time but recently diagnosed. I needed this article more than you know! Much love! 💜

  • Emma

    Genuinely thank you for sharing this. It’s so important people see beyond the diagnosis and a set of symptoms to the person behind. As well as people getting some insight into what it is really like and not some hollywood version or media presentation. I hope you’re keeping well, it can be hard to share very personal information so hope you’re keeping safe xxx

  • Laura

    Thanks for the thorough look into your personal experiences. Bipolar disorder runs in my family so I know what it looks like from the outside, but it was interesting to get an inside perspective. Sometimes it feels like they have all of the control, but in reality, they feel no control. It’s tricky to navigate on both ends, but all we can each do is our best from one day to the next, or al least just try to make it to the next day intact.

  • Rebekah Charles

    This post so beautiful!!! You’re vulnerability shows just how strong you are. I know it must not have been easy to let us – your readers in to this intimate part of your life. But for this I thank you. You have an amazing and supportive husband. Take one day at a time, go at your pace, and you don’t have to conquer it all in one day. Small victories count too!

  • Michelle

    Thank you so much for this. I think it’s so important to educate people on what bipolar entails. Keep up the good work!

    Sending good vibes all the way from South Africa. Michelle (michellesclutterbox.com)

  • Pip

    Thank-you for sharing this so openly. You are managing wonderfully with such a supportive husband. My best friend has this, she’s been on medication for years, she not long ago hit rock bottom again, and her medication was changed to an epilepsy drug. I’m going to forward this to her because it will be beneficial to see that she is not alone. Thanks so much x

  • Deandra

    Thank you so much for sharing and being very open and honest with us. I’m so glad to hear that you have such an amazing support system. My mother also has bipolar disorder as well. I know it’s different for each person, but I do see what it can do. Sending you lots of love.

  • Hazel

    I’m so glad you have your husband to lean on; it’s always important that we trust and can depend on our spouses for support. Somehow mine stopped being a big support after our daughter was born. I struggle with OCD anxiety and depression and he just keeps telling me “I’m fine”.

    As someone who focuses on mental health I admit I don’t know much about bi-polar; it takes strength to talk about this and I wish society was more willing to learn about these things than shame the people who have to love them.

    Keep fighting 💫!

  • Christy

    Thanks for sharing something so personal. And, thank you to your husband for taking such great care of you. Strong support systems make a big difference.

  • Rayo

    I am so glad you have such a great and supportive husband. So sorry you are going through this. It takes bravery to write such a post like this and I commend you for writing this. More strength and love to you

  • Alina

    Bipolar disorder does making doing certain things really hard no matter how easy they seem to others. More strength to you.

  • Amelia Desertsong

    It’s awesome that you have such a great, supportive husband! As someone with massive hormonal imbalances that have been improperly diagnosed and treated for years due to POOR MEDICAL CARE I know exactly what being bipolar feels like! If you ever need someone to talk to, you know where to find me 🙂

  • Liz

    Oh man! I though maybe I was ADHD for years before being diagnosed bipolar. Seriously can’t focus and have very bad tunnel vision. When I’m manic literally NOTHING else matters. It’s horrible.
    I also go days without showering – so do my kids sometimes (thank God for quarantine). Im a single mom so everything is on me.

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