natashaThis is the second post in my series “Misunderstood Mom.” Catch the first one over HERE.
My daughter was 3 at the time, and we spent so much of our time locked in my room together.
I feared for everyone. My son, my daughter, my unborn baby, and myself. The night I phoned the crisis line, I felt completely defeated. I remember sitting on the kitchen floor, sobbing and sobbing. I felt like I had failed. I couldn’t take care of anyone.
When I was on the phone with the crisis line, I couldn’t catch my breath.
I couldn’t stop crying. I was trying to answer all their questions and keep everyone safe. I was drenched in sweat. I remember feeling like I wanted to lay down and close my eyes, and not have to open them. My son marched his way up the stairs ready to throw something, and I had to hang up the phone.
Fifteen minutes later, my doorbell rang.
I opened it to find the RCMP standing there. Never in my life had I had an encounter with them before. As soon as I opened the door and saw them, my heart started beating so hard, it literally hurt. I couldn’t slow it down. I couldn’t believe they were there. My tears flowed into streams, and I couldn’t stop crying. I’m not sure if I was relieved they were there or if I was terrified.
I always had had this fear of losing my children.
I had thought that I was an awful mother, and the RCMP were going to take them away from me. But, at that particular moment, I really just wanted everything to stop. To say I felt like a failure would be a complete understatement. An officer went to speak with my son in his room, and the other spoke with me. The crisis line had contacted them, and they were following up with me. Admitting out loud that I really didn’t know what to do, made me feel awful. What kind of parent doesn’t know what to do? What kind of parent can’t keep their children safe?
After they had left, my husband was home shortly after, and I remember I had a warm bath. I thought my life was over. I wasn’t ever going to experience happiness. I had wondered if maybe I just didn’t deserve happiness.
A month later I was in the hospital with pregnancy related complications.
I had had high blood pressure for too long and I had to go in. I had been told to keep the stress levels to a minimum out of safety concerns for my unborn baby. I couldn’t. I lived in fear all the time. I lay in the hospital bed feeling like the worst mother in the world. And, it was my birthday. My family was falling a part, and I didn’t know how to keep it together.
I went home with my unborn baby to face it all again. It felt like they were sending me into a fire and telling me not to burn. It wasn’t possible. I couldn’t not stress. My house was a war zone every day. My son angry beyond words, and no one knew how to help us.
We got him in for an emergency psychiatric assessment and again, the same conclusion.
He’s smart. The problem must be me. I felt so much anger upon hearing that, I just didn’t even know what to do. My head started playing tricks on me, making me believe that I was the problem. That somehow, I was making this all up. Maybe, none of it was real, and it was all in my head.
The baby was born, and I can’t even tell you how many times I spent afternoons locked in the main floor bathroom or my bedroom with him and my daughter, trying to calm down my oldest.
Trying to reason with him. Trying to understand his anger. His fury. His rage was so intense, he never felt pain. Nothing stopped him. I was not prepared to be a mother to 3 children. I felt like they were all losing out. They needed me, and I didn’t know how to give them what they needed. I didn’t know how to help my oldest through whatever he was going through. I didn’t know how to help him understand what was going on with him. I didn’t understand. Everyday I would give him a hug and kiss when I tucked him in, and for those few seconds, I’d forget how we spent our day together.
His blue eyes would sparkle and dance in the light of his lamp, and I was looking at my newborn baby again.
The one I had welcomed into the world 6 years before. I’d tuck him in all tight, snug as a bug, I’d say. And I’d tell him, “there isn’t anything you could do that would make me not love you.” And, we’d wake up the next day, and start all over again.
Stay tuned next week for the next post.
If you missed the first one, don’t forget to check it out over HERE.
Love Always, N
This was heart-breaking, I am sorry. It must not have been easy writing this.
Thank you for reading and commenting ?
So much love for you right now, it’s bloody hard isn’t it.
Fay | How Felicity Finds
Thank you for your kind words ?
That is tough to read. Thank you for being willing to share.
Thank you for reading and commenting ?
Thank you for sharing this hopefully things have gotten better and will continue to get better. Stay safe!
Thank you for your kind words.
I’m sorry you had to go through all of this, but glad you reached out for help. I volunteered on a crisis line when I was in college, and even called one myself during a dark time. There is no shame in reaching out for help. I hope you find the answers you are seeking for your son. Don’t give up! Secure a connection with a good support system, too, just for you. Hugs!
Wow this story is so powerful and thought-provoking into family lives. I really admire your courage for sharing this difficult time of yours, and I like the fact it’s a multi-part series.
Sending love, xo.
http://www.dolledupbyj.com
Thank you so much for reading and commenting
I am so sorry that you had to go through this. A son should never be treating his mother like that. Love needs to be mutual and unconditional, even from children. Thank you for sharing this story.
Nancy ♥ exquisitely.me
Thank you for reading and commenting.
I can relate to this, we were on the brink of everything breaking down with my son. Thankfully we got to the bottom of some of the problems and things are much better now. I look forward to reading the next post.
Thank you for reading and commenting ?
Thank you for sharing such a personal story, I can’t imagine how difficult this has been for you. Wishing you and your family the best xx
Thank you so much?
This is heartbreaking ? hope it has happy ending ?♥️
https://prettysam1.blogspot.com
Thank you for reading and commenting ?
Thank you for being so vulnerable with us. Wow. I’m at lost for words but I’m sorry you had to experience that.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting ?
I’m so sorry you had to go through it. I hope you feel better now, sending you good vibes and lots strength! xo
xoxo Olivia | http://www.oliviaandbeauty.com/
Thank you so much for your kind words.
You are an amazing mother, it is not your fault and you’re doing everything you can. You’ve got this.
Thank you so much. Your kind words mean alot to me.
Sounds like you’ve been through a lot. I hope you are in a much better place. I’ve been there too so I can definitely relate to this. Sending hugs!
Thank you friend ?
What a powerful blog post! You made the reader feel your emotions and what a tough experience you went through. I really can’t think of what else to say. Im just so moved. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting ?
I’m so sorry you’ve felt so hopeless and like it was your fault. I hope there’s a happy ending at the end of the series.
Thank you for your beautiful comment ?
The fact that you are still trying shows that you are a good mother, Looking forward to the next post! 🙂
Thank you so much for reading and commenting ?
You’re beyond brave to have 1) experienced that and 2) be able to share your story. I’m so sorry that a professional basically turned their head and made you feel that it was your fault. That’s an awful thing to experience. I’m incredibly sorry for that!
Thank you for sharing ❤️
Ashleigh – https://www.ashleighsmoments.com
Thanks you for your kind words?
I can’t even imagine going through this. It must be incredibly heart breaking and stressful. I hope you are all able to find peace soon.
Thank you so much?
Such a genuine candid story – you certainly are not alone in how you were feeling. You are just one of the brave ones to admit it. I admire your courage and resiliency! You are a strong woman!
Thank you so much for your beautiful words ?
Thanks for sharing such a beautiful heart warming and heart aching post. Sending so much love!
Stay wonderful. You’re amazing!
Louna x
Thank you so much?
Oh, this breaks my heart. Has he had a full assessment? There are so many things that could be at play here, and saying it’s you is not okay. Hugs to you. Keep strong, keep advocating for him, and keep believing you are a good mother because you ARE!
Thank you so much?
You are so strong. I don’t know how you’ve done it at all. I’m looking forward to your next post. Stay safe.
Thank you so much?
This actually broke my heart, you have been through a lot. To write this shows how strong of a parent you are and I commend you for that. Keep being strong, you are a good mother. Stay safe ?
Thank you friend.
Dang. That sounds so hard. I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of this. I hope in the end of the series you find some help maybe. Also calling the line was good. It’s always there for you even if you just need to talk to someone who isn’t a kid. You are doing great though. From what I see.
Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words?
This breaks my heart. I’m so, so sorry you’ve been through this and made to feel invalid by professionals.
Thank you for having the strength to share this with us. x
Thank you so much for your kind words?
Motherhood is not easy.