I think in life, there are these really important moments.
These moments that play a part in shaping you, your personality, or your path in life.
These moments can be small. Just tiny little pieces to the puzzle of life. They can be huge and life changing as well. They can be anything.
I got to thinking about my life. What shaped me? What changed me? If these moments didn`t happen, would my life be any different?
Now, I am also working on NOT dwelling on the past, but rather accepting it, and letting go of the emotions attached to it.
Understanding that I can`t do anything about it, and all I can control is the present, and my choices going forward into my future.
While I think all moments in life are important, and of course help to make us who we are, I do believe there are some bigger pieces to it.
So I have taken this space to reflect on mine, and have found it quite therapeutic. Maybe it is an exercise you might like to try also.
When I was 4 years old, I received the news that my dad was going to move back in at home.
Though I can`t remember how long he had been gone for, I do remember how much I missed him, and how much my heart ached for him to be there with me.
With so much I didn`t understand, it`s amazing how clear this day was for me. My brother and I were swimming in a small little pool on a hot sunny day. My Mom told us the news and I immediately jumped out of the pool and began running around screaming in delight. I remember saying out loud… this is the best day of my life.
My brother left home when I was 10 years old. He was 15. Though we weren`t close, he acted as a guardian who was always nearby.
I always sought his attention, and his acceptance. I so badly wanted him to like me, and care about me, and be that big brother you see in the movies. He left when I was 10 and left me on my own.
There were no good-byes, no I love you`s and definitely no see you soons. Nothing. Just out of my life, and left me to realise how little I meant, and how easily disposable I was.
This left me longing for acceptance, love, and validation. I wanted to be good enough for somebody.
My first love. At the time, I thought that it was real. I thought I was so lucky to have found my person at such a young age.
I was 16, though he had made it clear since Grade 2 how much he liked me. But, this is not a fairy tale story. As each day passed, I became less me, and more of what I felt was expected to me.
Going into highschool I was a straight A student and was always found in the library learning something, and had a wonderful relationship with my parents. Not even two months in, I was in a downward spiral. My marks were suffering, and I could not even talk to my parents.
I was in a very dark place, and the only person who was there, was him. If only I could have known that my worth was not measured by another.
Doing things I knew were not right, like drinking, getting high, and going against my parents.
I didn`t see this at the time, and I felt like I was doing what any good girlfriend would do. I was doing what I felt was expected. This love of course ended, but not for a few years.
At 19, I began to find my voice. Slowly but surely I began to make it more and more clear that I just didn`t want all this in my life.
At this point we lived together, and our house became a party house. Gone were the days of reading by the window, or writing in the park. I was an absolute mess.
I was beginning to fear for my life. We finally broke up right before Canada Day (July 1st). I was broken. I felt like I was nothing.
Now, I really had nobody. Sadly, I really did try to get him back, which I now feel so stupid about, but I can`t go back and change it.
This entire relationship changed my whole being.
From being pressured into sex, to being told I should wear shorter skirts, I completely lost everything I ever thought I was, and was left on my own to figure it all out. I don`t blame him for anything.
We were kids just doing the best we could. Doing what we thought was a good idea. But, these moments, we lived, were defining moments for me.
Losing my Grandma. I was almost 16 when she passed away suddenly, and she was my best friend. Up until this point, I had never lost anyone to death. It broke me.
I began to imagine what it would be like to die, and wonder if I would see her.
With so much hurt in my heart and my body, I began to cut classes, and landed myself in a deep dark hole all on my own.
I was a ghost for a very long time, simply just existing and floating on by.
When my daughter was born. My then boyfriend, now husband, was there, which I know you are probably thinking, well of course, but no. With my first, there was no dad or partner for support.
My son came into this world by my strength and my moms love, and that was it.
So, when our daughter was born, and he was there, holding my hand, wiping my forehead, and telling me I could do it, it changed the way I felt completely.
I had never felt supported and loved so unconditionally before my husband.
It was the first time I saw a baby in their daddys` arms and I remember just sobbing, I felt so many emotions.
At this point, knowing I was worthy of love meant, I no longer sought validation, because I simply didn`t need it. This was somebody who just went through hell with me, and kissed my sweaty gross forehead and told me how amazing I was.
I knew at this point, my first love wasn`t love. This was. And throughout the years, he has been my biggest , and sometimes only cheerleader in life. He looks at me like I am a goddess, even when I have an awful cold and feel gross.
He supports me through every single moment in life. I tell him sometimes, wow I am so lucky to have met you. And he always says, no, I was so lucky to meet you and Kayden (my son).
There are of course other moments that are huge in my life and other times that have meant so much to me, but, these are moments that were a part of shaping the person I am today. I learned hard lessons, that carried me through until the next lesson presented itself.
What are your big moments? What shaped you?
Drop it below!
Love Always, N
Also.. if you missed my last post check it out here!