My watch buzzes. A gentle wake-up. While it beats the loud EH EH EH EH EH of the traditional alarm clock, it’s still annoying and still makes me wake up. Wake from the cold dead sleep that I really only experienced thanks to Quetiepienne. I could snooze. But, that’s what I did yesterday. I crave change. My body and mind crave change. I want to be a better person.
I think the energy I regularly bring to the world isn’t quite what I strive for it to be. I want to practice self-awareness and take a few minutes to reflect. I recognize that my bipolar disorder often brings me down. It makes life heavy and uncomfortable. But in the same breath, it also allows for me to experience such intense joy and happiness. My bipolar disorder is such a part of me but I also want to be aware of the energy I’m putting out in the world every day.
I worry that I’m a bit of a drag at times. Though other times I’m the life of the party. From one extreme to the next. Story of my life.
I worry that my sadness will rain on my family. And really, there isn’t an umbrella strong enough for my depression to protect them. Has my presence brought more pain and discomfort? I’m taking time to recognize these are real questions in my mind. I want to be more aware.
I am not the woman I want to be right now. She is someone I strive to become. She values kindness and love. While I value that now, my anger, rage and emotions often get the better of me. I overlook the good and immediately jump to whatever negative I can find.
I want to thrive. I want to be vibrant. I want to shine. I want to be the kind of person that makes other people feel and know how incredible they are. And, while I want this, I also want to believe it in myself as well. I want to work on my self-confidence and how I’m speaking and treat myself. Because I think if I can do better for myself, then I’ll be able to do better for the world.
The energy I want to put into the world is positive. The world is so heavy and I want to help carry it. I want to be strong enough to do that. I don’t have a plan at this point. It’s simply just a thought. I want to do better. I want to be better. I want to leave a mark, share my story and help as many people as I can.
The energy I want to put into the world is vibrant. I want to leave a bit of light wherever I go. And, while we’re living in a pandemic and there aren’t many places to go, I still want to be shedding light. It sounds lame but I almost like to leave some sparkle wherever I’m going. This is a massive goal of mine. To be better.
What kind of energy do you want to put into the world? Are you taking steps to get there?