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A brain with Anxiety and depression
Health&Wellness,  Life with N

Fighting

Welcome to my miserable depression. Take a seat and get comfy. It tends to stay a while.

I’ve gone back and forth as to if I write this or not. It feels that maybe my blog isn’t a home for creative writing anymore, but if that’s the case, then I definitely need to revamp. Creative writing is everything to me.

I’ve been struggling a fair bit lately. My anxiety is intensely high, and my heart races all day, every day. I’m already on anxiety medication, and up until these last few weeks, everything was fine. I’m not really sure what exactly triggered this, but there are several things on my mind and several things I’m currently going through.

First off, anxiety sucks.

And then, living with anxiety while still living life and trying to appear “normal”. THAT is so freakin hard. My patience is so much smaller, and my tone of voice is abrupt and harsh. And I feel bad because it’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just anxiety. The feeling of constant doom. The feeling that I’m looking over my shoulder every minute because something tragic is about to happen. My heart races, my skin sweats, and it’s hard to focus on one task. My mind is all over the place.

I see in grey when my eyes are trying to distinguish colour. It’s a constant battle, increasing in difficulty with every blink. I’m filled with the utmost dread, and I don’t even know why. Well, suppose I do. Anxiety.

As if that’s not enough, I’m struggling with my relationships. Not my marriage or my children, but maintaining other relationships. Everything feels like work, and my brain and body feel weak. I don’t know how to make “small talk” and I find it draining to listen to negativity. I’m an empath. I take in everything I hear and it affects me.

Why is that a fault?

Why do I have to feel guilty that I’m staying to myself? I’m not being rude. I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m simply setting boundaries. Boundaries that aren’t allowing anyone in. As if there’s a door, with many locks, stopping everything before it gets to me. How did this happen? Why can’t I just listen to a person without feeling?

I’ve upset some people. Because I want to be alone. I want to sit with my feelings and try to understand them. What a shift. I used to run from my feelings and try to hide them. Now I want to deal with them, and thats’ still wrong.

Frustration is building and depression is haunting.

And I can sense a blow-out coming. Why is it that I must owe anyone an explanation? Why is it that disappearing is sounding better and better?

I’m fighting for peace. Peace in my life and in my mind. I’m being run down, run over, and beat up by my anxiety and I don’t know how much longer I can fight for. I’m growing discouraged. Growing sadder, day by day.

I know what comes next. Depression is lurking. Watching on the horizon and simply just taunting me. It knows that I know it’s there. The anxiety is triggered by not knowing when it will jump out. I can feel the grey. I can feel the heavy. Depression is going to strip me of any joy I feel.

Between anxiety and the depression, how do I keep going? How do I fight? And how do you do that AND still seem normal?

I think I stopped wanting to be normal. Now I just want to be left alone. But that isn’t good for others either. I’m not sure where I go from here… depression lurking and anxiety beaten.

Please send happy vibes.

Love Always, Enn

 

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24 Comments

  • Maegan

    I think it’s so important to talk about depression, and all other mental illnesses. Not only is it important to stop it from being stigmatised, but I also feel many with mental illnesses believe they’re alone in their suffering, and when finding someone who you can relate to in suffering I think can help with recovery ♥

    Thank you so much for sharing. It’s a shame that many of us must fight for peace, but it’s worth fighting for.

    If you haven’t already, I highly recommend reaching out to a professional for your anxiety and depression. From my own experiences, they’re not always the best, but I, myself, am on anti-depressants. I always say they “keep your head above water”, and that makes a difference to me; it makes that battle a little less exhausting. Fighting those dark waves that are determined to drag you under and drown you.

    Not everyone supports the idea of medication, and it’s certainly by no means a fix, but I think it’s a route worth visiting, because depression and anxiety can be so crippling, I feel any help is better than no help.

    Sending much love and good vibes your way xox

  • Nicole

    Hi Em, I understand the constant struggle of trying to look normal when you don’t feel normal. I have anxiety, depression and PTSD and a year or so ago, I stopped trying to hide and act normal. Opening up like you have can be such a huge relief. Being honest about what is going on can help to stop the pain some. Some days I do still struggle. But being able to talk through things helps. The weight of trying to hide and pretend is gone. The pressure to fake a smile when you don’t feel it.

    Also, I hope that you are going to therapy too. Finding a good therapist can be hard, but so worth it! Also I do take medications too. I know some are against that, I don’t know if you are open to it. But there are a lot of cognitive and behavioral things you can do. Like learning coping skills.

    I really hope that you do get to feeling better, I understand that the journey can someties be long or rocky.

    All the best,
    Nicole

  • Molly @ Transatlantic Notes

    Haunting is such a good way to describe all this because it’s exactly how I feel as I work through my anxiety and depression. There are many other feelings that swirl around but that was an element of it that surprised me. I am cheering you on as you deal with everything you are experiencing. I hope you continue to find support and you find your way through the harder moments.

  • Eddi Lynne

    So sorry to hear you are going through a hard time. I find writing helps me process my feelings and I hope you find solice in it, too. I think we all need to rethink what it means to be normal. Being normal should be about expressing what we really feel and not about hiding our emotions to make us fit in with the rest of society. We feel that we are alone with these thoughts when we are not.

  • Mummy Conquering Anxiety

    Thank you so much for writing this honest post. It will help other people.

    I can relate to some of the feelings, having had a mental breakdown 4 months ago. But we all have our individual circumstances and triggers.

    Sending out love & hugs. Please take care of yourself. For me, things got better, but it was a very slow process and I am still not 100% recovered.

  • Fransic verso

    As I read through your words, I feel it. Thank you for opening up to us. It is sucks but you got this! Stay strong and keep winning. Life always fighting. Either with anxiety or something. We got to win and live life as we want. Sending you tons of hugs and love. You got this!

  • livi brooks

    Your honesty on anxiety is truly moving. I never thought of myself to have to deal with internal struggles as such, and it all started just a few months ago. This post is very relatable and well put, so thank you! Your writing is amazing, keep up the great work, cannot wait to come back for more!

  • Headphonesthoughts

    I have battled anxiety myself for years I would always wonder why I couldn’t focus and sometimes it felt so hard to do things while others could them so easily. Anxiety really does such. Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Laurel

    Thank you for writing about this. I’ve been there, and I have loved ones that I see going through this. Give yourself permission to do what you need to do to take care of yourself 💕

      • Pastor Natalie

        I really appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. I’m very sorry your going through this. It is important to allow yourself to acknowledge these battles and take care of yourself. Give permission to someone you trust to know your battles and be available for you. Moments like these take time for healing. Thank you for sharing I really believe this helps others. Praying you feel better. ✝️🙏🏻

        Pastor Natalie
        Letstakeamoment.com

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