Welcome to my miserable depression. Take a seat and get comfy. It tends to stay a while.
I’ve gone back and forth as to if I write this or not. It feels that maybe my blog isn’t a home for creative writing anymore, but if that’s the case, then I definitely need to revamp. Creative writing is everything to me.
I’ve been struggling a fair bit lately. My anxiety is intensely high, and my heart races all day, every day. I’m already on anxiety medication, and up until these last few weeks, everything was fine. I’m not really sure what exactly triggered this, but there are several things on my mind and several things I’m currently going through.
And then, living with anxiety while still living life and trying to appear “normal”. THAT is so freakin hard. My patience is so much smaller, and my tone of voice is abrupt and harsh. And I feel bad because it’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just anxiety. The feeling of constant doom. The feeling that I’m looking over my shoulder every minute because something tragic is about to happen. My heart races, my skin sweats, and it’s hard to focus on one task. My mind is all over the place.
I see in grey when my eyes are trying to distinguish colour. It’s a constant battle, increasing in difficulty with every blink. I’m filled with the utmost dread, and I don’t even know why. Well, suppose I do. Anxiety.
As if that’s not enough, I’m struggling with my relationships. Not my marriage or my children, but maintaining other relationships. Everything feels like work, and my brain and body feel weak. I don’t know how to make “small talk” and I find it draining to listen to negativity. I’m an empath. I take in everything I hear and it affects me.
Why is that a fault?
Why do I have to feel guilty that I’m staying to myself? I’m not being rude. I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m simply setting boundaries. Boundaries that aren’t allowing anyone in. As if there’s a door, with many locks, stopping everything before it gets to me. How did this happen? Why can’t I just listen to a person without feeling?
I’ve upset some people. Because I want to be alone. I want to sit with my feelings and try to understand them. What a shift. I used to run from my feelings and try to hide them. Now I want to deal with them, and thats’ still wrong.
Frustration is building and depression is haunting.
And I can sense a blow-out coming. Why is it that I must owe anyone an explanation? Why is it that disappearing is sounding better and better?
I’m fighting for peace. Peace in my life and in my mind. I’m being run down, run over, and beat up by my anxiety and I don’t know how much longer I can fight for. I’m growing discouraged. Growing sadder, day by day.
I know what comes next. Depression is lurking. Watching on the horizon and simply just taunting me. It knows that I know it’s there. The anxiety is triggered by not knowing when it will jump out. I can feel the grey. I can feel the heavy. Depression is going to strip me of any joy I feel.
Between anxiety and the depression, how do I keep going? How do I fight? And how do you do that AND still seem normal?
I think I stopped wanting to be normal. Now I just want to be left alone. But that isn’t good for others either. I’m not sure where I go from here… depression lurking and anxiety beaten.