Have you ever reached that point in a friendship where you know it`s finished, but you, nor the other person wants to say anything?
You know that it will hurt, but you also know that the friendship is over. Probably you both know, but nobody wants to say it outloud. Your heart maybe wants to believe that you can change it, but you know in your mind that you can`t.
Maybe you went through a big fight that you can`t move on from, or maybe you just grew apart. Maybe life happened to you, and they weren`t there for you. Whatever it is, you know that you need to let it go, but how?
At one point, maybe you were close. Maybe you were even best friends for a period of time. Always there for each other. But, something happened. Along the path of friendship, something took a turn and everything changed. Whether it was for the better or worse is still to be determined.
What if, when you were good friends, you were actually just dodging the person you actually were, and morphed into a mould of what you though you should be? What if you were just so insecure with who you were, that you became the version that you wanted to be, leaving behind everything that holds you back?
But, everything catches up to you eventually… doesn`t it?
Wouldn`t that would mean that the other person never really knew you at all?
Then your friendship is not an actual friendship, is it?
What does a friendship mean to you?
What if, it was all one-sided? Like they would be there for you, but would never accept you being there for them. What if they would offer to watch your kids, but never let you watch theirs. What if you spent the entire friendship feeling completely inadequate, so you tried to be some illusion of what you thought you should be.. just so you weren`t alone.
This is my experience that I am writing about. Something I went through, and am going through now. I changed. In person, anyways. In my mind I was always the same. My biggest fear has always been being alone. When someone wanted to be friends with me, I guess I jumped at the opportunity.
I have never felt good enough to have friendships, to have good people who genuinely care. I`ve never really had it. Through high school I was sort of a loner. I was a nice person, and people were nice to me, but I sort of just floated by on my own.
In my head I knew what it was. If I didn`t attach myself to anyone, then no body could disappoint me, or hurt me.
For 19 years I have been let down. Over, and over again. Constantly led to believe one thing, when in reality it was something else. Always given false hope, and falling to it every single time.
So, I live with a fence around me. All the time.
For some reason with this friendship a gate appeared in my fence. Maybe I had thought I had found someone who would accept me as me.
I quickly felt inadequate with who I was. I felt I had nothing to offer. And as time went on, I felt more and more useless. I never came to a place where I felt like I was good enough to be in that friendship.
Time went by, and I started paying more attention to my mental health, and getting help. I went through it with just my husband. Trying medications, going to pyschiatrists, many doctors appointments, and then finally the diagnosis, and then the follow-ups. It has been a steady stream of appointments.
And then, it`s learning how to manage motherhood WITH the diagnosis, and understanding that it wasn`t my fault. And even that it ISN`T a fault, but just how I am.
So, if accepting my diagnosis, and learning to live life with it, is a good thing, which I would think it is, then it would be time to let go of those who don`t wouldn`t it?
It would be time to let go of people whom I can`t be myself around.
Being myself is apart of acceptance.
Learning that I don`t have anything to be sorry for.
Learning my triggers, and even learning it is okay to eliminate some things from my life if they aren`t good for my mental health.
So, if the friendship isn`t serving a positive outlook on life, or of acceptance of myself, and I constantly feel inadequate, then it`s time to let it go, don`t you think?
As always, Love N
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I would also love if you stopped by my new Youtube channel! My Ugly Truth . I am showing the ugliness of life with a Mental Illness.