I`m giving a bit of a warning here, this post is a bit of a sad one. I just feel so many emotions about this and I have to get it out. Thank you for being there for me, and reading it.
I remember everything about this event in my life, and while some may think that is good, I feel like my brain could use a break from remembering. Remembering for my brain means constantly playing it back. Over and over. And, as the anniversary day draws closer, the flashbacks become more and more intense.
I start thinking that I could have changed it. I could have been a better granddaughter. Maybe it, was somehow, all my fault.
Once I tell you what happened, you`re going to think of course I couldn`t have changed it. But, that`s just part of my illness. I second-guess everything. Even things that had nothing to do with me. I still feel responsible for them.
So, I have been carrying this around on my shoulders, feeling like I could have done something to change it all, and I finally had to get it out.
I like to keep my blog fairly positive, but reality is, sometimes we are faced with real tough shit, and sometimes, we think/do not so positive things right? This is a place to be real, raw, and honest.
It was December 7th, 2011. The day before my brothers birthday actually. I was sitting at the kitchen table feeding my 9 month old son. Being a new mom, I had no clue what I was doing. I was basically winging it. (Still what I do, I just more confidently wing it now.)
Rewind a little, and
my Grandpa`s cancer had taken a turn for the worse about a month or so earlier. I knew he was sick. I knew what the outcome was going to be. And yet, I still couldn`t face it.
I didn`t know how to handle death with being a mom. I didn`t have a partner to lean on. So, I basically went through all the motions and turned off all my feelings, which I regret so much.
It has only come back to haunt me more and more over the years. I should have grieved. I should have gone to see him and spent time with him. I should have told him I love him, and appreciated every moment with him.
I`ve struggled for the last 8 years feeling like a coward. Who doesn`t go visit a dying grandparent? What kind of person was I?
When the phone rang at 515pm and I saw the phone number, something in my heart already knew.
My grandpa wouldn`t have been well enough to dial our phone number. There wouldn`t have been a reason for him to call. My dad was already with him.
I knew the second I said hello. There had only been one other time when I had seen my dad cry. It was when his mom (my amazing grandma) passed away. It was like I just could tell by the breath that was on the other side of the phone.
My grandpa had taken his last breaths.
My heart broke. Until that moment, I still had a chance to say good-bye. I was just too afraid to take it. My chances were all gone now. That was it.
The next few days were a blur. I turned off all feelings, and just tried to be a good mom.
I`m sorry grandpa that I didn`t visit you.
I`m sorry that I couldn`t find the strength or courage. You were the strongest man I had ever known, and I was so afraid to see you dying. I`m so sorry I couldn`t overcome that.
If you are watching over me, please see me saying good-bye now. I have to let go of all this. It`s far too heavy to keep carrying. I will continue to love you for the rest of my life, but grandpa, I have to forgive myself for not seeing you.
I don`t think you`d want me to feel this way, and I think I have grown up a lot in the last 8 years that I can say, I understand. I don`t take moments for granted anymore. You taught me how precious they are. You gave me hope and determination for my future. You always loved me, no matter what.
Thank you for being my grandpa and showing me strength, courage and bravery.
You have allowed me to raise good sons, because I have seen good men. You were an incredible human being, and I don`t want you to ever think you were forgotten. There isn`t a moment that goes by that I don`t think of you.
If I could go back, of course I would. I would say good-bye. I would hold your hand as your cancer slowly pulled you away from us in such a monstrous way. I would be there grandpa. I`m sorry I wasn`t.
This has been such a hard lesson for me to move on from.
I have to let it go now though. I have to forgive myself. I have to trust that you would forgive me too.