I wish people understood so much. So much about my mental illness. I wish they could feel inside my mind for just a few moments, and then imagine what it`s like every single day. But then, I find myself thinking I really don`t wish that. I don`t ever want people to feel what I feel.
Every single day it`s like my mind is fighting me. Like I want to live, and to have a full life, and my mind is what stops me. Sometimes it feels like my mind is failing me.
Someone who doesn`t believe in mental illness just maybe won`t get it.
Some may be considerate and understanding, and at least attempt to support you.
While others will doubt, and you will never be understood.
I don`t know when it became okay to doubt a sickness just because we can`t see it.
I can tell you, you wouldn`t want to see mine.
See, everyone`s demons is different.
What haunts everyone is different.
What drowns everyone is different.
But, it is all real.
We don`t all share symptoms, or side effects.
We function through,day, by day, differently.
But, just because we are all different, and our illness is different, it doesn`t make it any less real.
If those who don`t believe could take over my mind for just one moment, and give me a break, and experience what I experience every moment of every day, I think they`d run screaming.
My mind always works against me. It`s like it wants me to fail, and I am constantly fighting it.
It seems easier to just cave and allow my illness to win. To either live an awful unhappy life, or to end it all. The dark clouds constantly stay over my head, and more often than not, are pouring down in huge rainfalls, trying to make me drown.
I have learned some skills that help me to stay afloat, thank goodness.
But, having skills, or tools that help, does not take the struggle away.
And, that goes for every person with a struggle.
The demons that haunt me, and have convinced me that I am not a worthy person, I carry with me every single day. They scream in my ears, and fill my mind with awful thoughts that I simply can`t shake.
My body trembles, and my heart races. Sometimes I just break down crying from just feeling so overwhelmed. Sometimes I am just frozen in place. Sometimes it feels as if I am going to explode.
I usually can`t focus on anything. My mind is too busy. It`s too busy making me believe that I will fail. I have to try very hard to do very simple tasks.
At night my mind races. It looks back on my life and reminds me of every single thing that I have done wrong. It haunts me. I beat myself up, or rather my mind does.
So often I want it all to stop.
It feels so often like I can`t take it anymore.
My head is so loud, and it feels as if it is buzzing. I can`t hear the real world over my anxiety.
Sometimes I feel like a prisoner to it. Like I am locked behind bars, and anxiety threw away the key. Like I won`t ever get out. It taunts me, and mocks my attempt to break free.
If any person who doesn`t believe in mental illness could feel what I feel for just one minute, they would believe.
Why would anyone make it up?
While it has held me hostage for years, it has robbed me of so much. It causes me so much emotional and mental pain, so often it feels unbearable.
This isn`t a fair way to live.
We (those who struggle), don`t even have a fair shot at a happy life.
Every part of our being is working against us.
I hope one day I feel better.
But for now, my entire being is failing me, and I am slowly falling apart… piece by piece.
Here`s to hoping I can put myself back together..
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