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Mom holding hew new baby after birth.
Health&Wellness,  Life with N

Hopeless, Lost, Defeated

This is the third installment in my series Misunderstood Mom. You can read the first and second over here, Misunderstood Mom and The Crisis Line.

At this point, I brought the baby and my daughter everywhere with me. If I was cooking, they had to stay right in the kitchen by me. If I was putting laundry away, then I had them in each room right by me. I was terrified every single moment of every single day. At the same time as all this, well, I had just had a baby, so I was still recovering and trying to figure out breastfeeding. To say I was struggling wouldn’t even begin to tell you how I was feeling. I felt like I failed every single day. My daughter was being verbally and physically abused every day. My oldest son clearly was having troubles, and my new baby was missing out on that bonding time with his family.

My body ached, and my heart hurt.

I was so afraid, all the time. I was so exhausted. Days went by and I was sinking lower and lower as each day passed. I was so lost. By this point I had received so much criticism from other people looking in on my situation. I was convinced everything was my fault. That I somehow made him act like that. In public, he never showed that side of him. At any other houses, he never behaved that way.

There were so many moments I felt like I was losing my mind.

If no one else saw it, then it simply wasn’t real, right? I was making it up somehow. That baby is now 3, and my oldest is 9. This all still happens, just on a much bigger scale. He is 70 pounds and even more aggressive and violent than before. I have scars from him. He physically, verbally, and emotionally abuses us every day.

No discipline tactic makes any difference.

He has stumped our doctor. And still, he somehow controls this side of him in every other setting. There’s countless holes in my walls, scratches, and broken things all over my house. Anytime he doesn’t get his way he goes into a severe and violent rage. He is constantly swearing, name-calling, throwing, and attacking. Nothing we do or say makes any difference.

So that brings us to the lockdown.

I was pushed over the edge back in December and ended up in the hospital. Having him home all day is very very hard. The moment something doesn’t go the way he wants, that’s it, the day is shot, and the remainder of the day is filled with screams and banging. Things breaking, and me trying to shield the other two from being hurt. I have no idea how to help my oldest.

I love him, but it’s different than loving my other two.

Most days I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship. But, it’s my child. How can that be? I know you’re probably thinking I’m exaggerating, or that there’s no way this is true, but sadly it is. More recently I have phoned the RCMP in crisis, only to have them laugh at me.

He has thrown chairs, flipped tables, thrown glass, tried breaking windows, and so much more. He has such troubles managing his emotions. He needs help, and I don’t know how. We’re at the doctors all the time. Sending new referrals to new doctors, and trying to piece together a plan to help him.

It’s hard to not wonder if he hates me. I’ve done the best I could.

I’m not a perfect parent, but I try my best every single day. No matter how I feel, low or high, I’m here every day doing my best. Being a mom with Bipolar disorder is no easy path. It’s so hard, and so painful sometimes. I cry so often, and I spend so much of my time feeling useless. I feel, most days, that I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve often wondered if it’s all because of my bipolar disorder. That would mean it’s really my fault.

Stay tuned for next week,

Love Always, N

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26 Comments

  • Kristina

    I’m so sorry you have to live through this.. this is in no way your fault.

    One of my cousin has Autism; she’s non-verbal and can just randomly slap you out of nowhere or if you don’t understand her/give her what she want.. I’m unable to babysit her now, as she’s now 12 and taller/heavier than me, so I stand absolute no authority on her anymore. It’s quite sad for my aunt, as she’s the one getting harmed and I swear one of thoses days she’s gonna break something !! She’s always been so strong, as she’s getting older she’s also getting stronger..

    Other people sadly live like you aswell, If you can hopefully find anyone who understands and get you some help xx

  • Kelly Gegg

    I just can’t even fathom what you’re going through! There has got to be SOMEONE out there who can handle this or see the dilemma! I can’t believe that people have laughed at you! I’m so sorry my friend!

  • Jenna Von

    Oh I’m so so sorry you’re experiencing this. It must be truly heartbreaking not being able to help him and control his behaviour. I really hope the doctors get to the bottom of it soon and you can receive the help you need.

    Jenna Von

  • JACK

    Wow, what a brutually honest entry. This is very brave of you to post – so props to you! It may also help someone in a similar situation, so good on you for uploading it.

    I hope your situation improves. I know it’s hard, but fighting hate and abuse with endless love, no matter how hard it seems, may elevate your soul a little. Sending out good vibes to you. Keep your chin up.

  • Jasmine | Midsummer Life Dream

    I have two cousins – siblings – who have a condition that causes similar actions and issues. Their parents tried to keep them home and safe and living a relatively normal life, but it simply wasn’t safe. It broke their hearts when they moved them into a special assisted living type home, but now, one is happy and safe and watched in case of episodes, and the other is doing sooo well – he has a job, lives with a roommate, and his episodes are almost non-existent now. This isn’t to say your child needs to not live with you, but rather, things can get better, even in extreme situations. Keep watching for any and all opportunities to improve the situation, because you never know what will work, and the fact that you worry you caused this means you are not a bad mother! A bad mother wouldn’t be concerned with that. You need to take care of your family as best you can, and I hope you have a solid support system to help you. And even if an option arises that seems extreme, remember that solutions may not look perfect but can be better than you dreamed – and you can always change course later if need be.

    • admin

      Wow, thank you for sharing that with me. I have wondered before if he’d be better not living with me. Thank you for sharing this. It’s somewhat nice to know I’m not alone in the struggle.

  • Sharon

    You are not your bipolar disorder. It is not your fault. It is something beyond your control. The only thing to do is continue to take care of yourself, and get your son the help he needs.

  • Fransic Verso

    I’m sorry to know your struggles and I hope there is something to help. Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope you get better and feel normal and happy. Even with all of this, you are a strong individual.

  • Jaya Avendel

    I am so sorry to hear about your struggles and, while I cannot be there to help you, I am glad you are writing about your feelings. I find that putting down thoughts on paper makes them more manageable and I truly hope you are able to find the help or enlightenment you need to catch beam of happiness. 🙂

  • Giulia

    I am sad to hear that the doctors are unable to help him. So far. They might yet, but it seems like they should have been able to do testing before now to diagnosis him. Keep being the strong mom that you are.

  • Monica

    It is really sad to know that happens to you. And I can hardly believe there’s no way to change his attitude, I wish to believe there is a way. If yoy need someone to talk to about it – you can count on me. Don’t forget you are amazing and that does not define you as a mother!

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