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thoughts with n
Health&Wellness,  Life with N

How It’s Really Going

It’s been 8 days now. 8 days being stuck on the couch. If you have bipolar disorder then I’m sure you can relate to feeling stuck and isolated. The depression is so deep and unbearable. I’m struggling so much to understand what is going on and how I have no control. The discomfort actually began months ago, but I just put it outside my mind. It started in my back. But, I’m no stranger to back pain so it wasn’t really a red flag. I was fine. Just pushing through, stretching and doing my best.

Then I received the covid booster. The suspicion from my doctor is that the vaccine triggered inflammation I already had in my body and just really upset everything. (I’m honestly not even sure this makes sense. ) So I woke up last Saturday morning unable to put any weight on my foot. Unable to move my toes. My foot was swollen up in my ankle and my leg hurt so, so bad.

The best way that I could describe the pain is as if I’m stepping on a huge nail right in the middle of the heel of my foot. The pain shoots up my entire leg into my hip. Sometimes it feels like there is something vibrating in my leg and other times it feels like it’s numb. I can barely move my toes and my ankle… well it doesn’t work anymore.

I’ve struggled all week. Asking for help is hard. Needing help though… not having the privilege of getting up and just doing whatever I want… that is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through I think. Not being able to put my slippers on or walk myself to go make a cup of coffee. I feel pathetic. I’ve spent hours sobbing. Sobbing from pain and crying out of desperation. How does this get better?

I’m already taking a high-dose anti-inflammatory twice a day. And if you have bipolar disorder then you’re also probably on meds too. You can relate to the side effects and all that shit. I take Tylenol and smoke a lot of weed. The pain is a pain that doesn’t go away. I use pillows, heat packs, raise my leg, lower it, nothing stops it.

I can’t go downstairs in my house so I’m limited to one floor. I see the same thing morning noon and night. Nothing changes.

I didn’t even realize that it was a privilege to move so freely on my own. To be able to wash my own hair, pick my own outfits, brush my own hair. These were things I did without even thinking about it.

Let me tell you friends…

I’m going to appreciate walking a whole lot more.

I’m going to walk outside more. I’m so sad that I can’t do anything.

 

Love Always, Enn

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