Deep down in my heart, I know that I love my children. I do know that. But lately, I have been wondering, what about me. I suppose because I had my children so early and young in life, it has limited a lot of what I`ve done in my twenties. One of my children is so incredibly difficult and brings me to tears every single day, out of sheer frustration that I don`t know what to do anymore.
Sometimes I just look around me and feel like I`ve simply accomplished nothing. I`ve made it this far, 11 days before age 30, and I have yet to do anything with my life. My husband is always quick to remind me that we have three children, and I`ve accomplished so much.
But, I feel so much pressure surrounding that I have yet to buy my first house. I still haven`t figured out even what to do with the rest of my life, though I`m fairly sure I`m doing it.
Lately though, life has been hitting me hard. It`s been so cold outside, and my husband was crushed under a huge amount of weight and has been home recovering. It feels like I can`t keep up with the laundry. ( Please, mama`s, give me tips!!) And the housework is literally neverending!! WHY?! Whenever I finish one thing, five more things need doing.
It feels as if my children are always at war with each other, which is annoying and sad.
Along with it is SO COLD outside. Getting a two year old dressed to go outside when it`s minus 35 celsius is not fun. It feels like everywhere I turn in my house is mess, and everything I hear is whining, and complaining.
I`ve been feeling so unbearably frustrated and now I`m at the point of sad. I`m trying to recognise my emotions and understand them, so I can better deal with them.
This week I have been wondering, maybe was I not meant to be a mother? Is that possible? How terrible of a person am I for wondering that? It`s okay, you can be honest with me. I love my children, but maybe some days I wish I could just get in an airplane and take off to Italy. Or, go back to University and get a degree.
I understand that anything is possible and if you want it bad enough you can do anything. I`ve been told that many times.
But, if it comes between my kids receiving a birthday gift, and me taking a trip, obviously I`m buying my kids a gift.
Being a mama is tough..I`m sending love to all my mama friends.