`My anxiety is still really bad.`

I remember saying that to my nurse about 7 years ago.

`Develop more tools. Develop more tools.`

That was always the answer.

Time after time after time. Appointment after appointment after appointment. It felt so often that this was my fault. I hadn`t worked hard enough to develop these `tools.`

I had been struggling for so long, and openly talked with my health care providers and I always received the same response.

I was definitely losing hope that one day my heart might beat at a more average pace. I was losing hope that I`d be able to go places without having a full on panic attack.

Maybe I wasn`t insistent enough, but maybe that was just the anxiety. I was told several times that with the right tools I would be okay. I was told that medication was the absolute LAST resort.

Maybe this was where my negative view on medication came from, but maybe not. All I know is that in my mind, medication was BAD and I had to fix me, myself somehow.

Now that was me then.

And, please let me tell you, I never ever thought medication was bad for anyone else. I thought that everything I was struggling with was all in my head and that was why I had to fix it by myself.

I had such an unhealthy view on what anxiety really was. Carrying around so much weight feeling guilt for being `that way`, and for not changing was slowly destroying me.

I really felt like something was seriously wrong with me. Like I was creating some sort of sickness inside of me.

Like it was my fault.

It was a really lonely time while I tried perfecting these skills.

Needless to say……

I didn`t.

When the time came that medication came up during my doctors appointment, I was crushed. My heart broke and I cried endlessly. My head was filled with thoughts surrounding I wasn`t good enough, I just wanted attention, and this was all my fault. I failed.

I had such a negative view on medication and I think it`s because of how long I suffered and struggled trying to perfect these skills that I was under the impression were going to `fix` me. At this point, upon being given the prescription and instructions of how to take it, I knew I was broken.

I struggled trying to accept I had to take medication. My heart broke in more pieces that I thought possible. It was like I was trying to accept I had failed.

I needed fixing.

I couldn`t do it myself.

This was all my fault.

I started the medication. Starting it was one of the worst times in my life. The side effects made me lose all hope in ever feeling better. I felt worse. Worse than I ever felt before the medication.

As per my doctors instructions, and with my husbands support, I pushed through it. I held on to a tiny little spark in me that wished so much to feel different.

Slowly the fog in my mind cleared and I was starting to see again. The clouds slowly parted and my tears lightened.

The spark of hope got bigger and bigger.

This is only temporary. It will get better.

All I wanted so badly was some sense of normalcy. Normalcy being able to go out and lead a healthy, happy life without always feeling that uncontrolable panic.

I held on and fought my war through the war of the medication, and the medication did help. I had to work very hard to change my thoughts surrounding needing medication. Again, I`d like to say I never ever viewed medication with this attitude when others took it.

I spent a lot of time working on understanding what the medication was doing for my body. My mental health had improved drastically and finally I was living again. I was even going out by myself which was a huge step for me.

Fast forward a few years and I can see now how much I`ve changed.

I`ve kept my regular doctors appointments, rather than allowing my anxiety to convince me to cancel them. I went to a pyschiatrist to understand the whole picture. I followed the recommendations and took the medication prescribed, no matter how awful the side effects were.

Now I can understand that my illness is not my fault and it is not something I can control and make go away.

Understanding my illness has been the first step in taking back control of my life.

My medication allows me to lead a full life. It allows me to enjoy things and even try new things. I`ve learned some tools for coping through triggers and way to manage dark thoughts and feelings.

Now I know why I take medication and what it does for my body. I know more about my illness and I understand that I didn`t cause them.

It isn`t my fault.

Love Always N

If you enjoyed this, stop by my last post. It`s all about my goals surrounding my beauty routine.

Don`t forget to stop by my Instagram!!


22 thoughts on “Medication: Then And Now

  1. That is a commendable journey and one you should be proud of indeed! Taking meds is necessity in many cases and our own thoughts about it hold us back from getting better. Good on you to find courage to fight the negativity and go forward to heal…❤

  2. Such a heartfelt post. I suffer from anxiety too and it’s life-destroying. I can barely do anything without overthinking it and sending myself tail spinning into an attack. Medication and CBD have helped me, but it’s still very much present in my life. You’re making great progress by the sounds of things. Keep fighting!

  3. It’s incredible to hear about your progress on this hard journey! Anxiety is awful and can really get a lot of people down, but it’s brilliant to hear that medication has really helped you. The progress you’ve made is amazing and hopefully things will all be up from here. xx
    El // Welsh Wanderer

  4. Medication can help a lot of people with anxiety and/or depression. When my anxiety/depression was really bad I decided that I didn’t want to take any medications. Maybe it took a little bit longer to recover, but I was like you. I didn’t trust it.

    But I talked with a lot of people who also had anxiety but they took medication. It has changed my opinion about it. But now I don’t need it.

    But I think it is great that you write a blog post about that taking medication is fine if you really need it. I can really help some people


  5. I’m so sorry that anyone ever made you feel like you were a failure in this, and I’m really shocked that you were told medication was a last resort. I was very lucky that when I went to my doctor about my anxiety she was incredibly helpful, and as she put it, medication was prescribed immediately in order to give me the support and clarity I needed in the short term to help me address my issues in the long term. I hate that you felt you’d let yourself down, that’s not the case at all. You’re doing so well and I am so glad that you’ve shared your experience. Helping people understand that medication is not a sign of weakness, but of the courage it takes to admit you need help, is very admirable. Wishing you all the best as you continue in your journey!
    Beth x Adventure & Anxiety

  6. What an awesome post! I never thought about medication for myself, believing my problems just weren’t that severe – and then anxiety got the better of me. I saw my GP, who put me on Zoloft, and after the initial side effects wore off I finally got the break from that hideous feeling of anxiety that I so badly needed.
    Hopefully your post can encourage others who have a negative view of medication to have an honest chat with a good doctor about whether medication can help manage their mental health issues.
    X Bek

  7. Starting medication is the worst, it impacted my sleep so much I was tired and awake at the same time on a constant basis but it’s a relief when it settles. The most important thing is that it’s having a positive impact and making you feel better.
    Thanks for your insight.


  8. I’m so happy that you have finally gotten to a better place for yourself. I know your journey was hard getting there and I know a lot of others struggle in the same way you did with the negative thoughts about medication. Im happy you are better now though!

  9. I’m so happy for you!! There is nothing better than discovering something that WORKS. I put off taking meds for SO long, but now I am so glad that I did. Just like you, I slowly noticed things getting better. Thanks for sharing your story.

  10. You have come so far on your journey!! I am so proud of you for sharing this. I hope it reaches all those who may be needing help on their journeys. Keep it up and thank you for sharing!

  11. Very lovely and insightful post. There’s no shame in the medication game. If our body needs the medication to function better, then that’s what we give it. This just proves how strong you are.

  12. I’m glad you found something that worked for you. I have recently weaned off Pregablin but still take Citalopram. For me, the medication helped to some degree due to the increase in serotonin, however, it never fully too my anxiety away. I had hypnotherapy and NLP and this has worked wonders for me. Everyone is different I guess. The side effect going on and coming off medication were horrendous x

  13. It is awesome that you shared this with everyone as many may be going through similar experiences. I’m glad you found your light at the end and you te continuing your recovery journey

  14. This was such a wonderful post! I’m so sorry you had to struggle so long with your anxiety without medication. I had the opposite of your problem- I was put on medication as a child, probably too early and have been on it ever since. But despite that, the right combination has helped me, and I don’t think I would be living the life I am now without it. Not that I’m saying that tools to help anxiety aren’t helpful too, but it’s amazing what the right medication can do to help take away that constant state of panic and anxiety that used to fill my entire day. I’m so glad you’re doing better and thank you so much for sharing this important post!

    Emily |

  15. Anxiety and depression are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. Medication is just a way of balancing things out. A doctor explained that to me once and it made me feel a lot better about taking medication.

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