When I was 10 years old someone was ripped from my life, and I didn’t understand anything.

I’m 31 years old and have never thought about this, or even wondered about its impact. Until, last night. In therapy. And now the feelings are all there.

I grew up until that point with my older brother.

I idolized him. We definitely didn’t always get along, but that’s to be expected from siblings I think. But I knew, I loved everything he did, said, and was. He was the ultimate “cool” to me. He was 5 years older than me and had much cooler things to do than hang out with his annoying little sister. It’s not my story to talk about his journey, but it’s been a rough one just from what I can see. And at 15 years old he was kicked out of the house. And it took until last night for me to reflect on it.

Someone I loved more than anything in the world was no longer a part of my daily life.

No longer eating breakfast with me. And I was on my own. I remember being talked to slightly. They taught me that he was dangerous. If I saw him on the street, I couldn’t talk to him. It was so weird to me. I had always been with him and suddenly he was dangerous? I didn’t see him for 5 years after that night. I didn’t talk to him or anything. That night that he got kicked out, I remember how I felt. Very confused. I thought we loved family no matter what. And why was he suddenly dangerous?

I’m quite positive he was never a threat to me.

I was his sister. He always had the biggest heart. I’m stuck with so many questions and feelings now, and I’ve nowhere to explore them. My brother and I still don’t have a relationship, and my parents aren’t ones you can ask questions like this to. I hurt for that little girl watching her big brother get thrown from unconditional love and into the real world. I wish I could have said goodbye. Goodbye and I’ll miss you. I wish I could have said something.

It was at that point I fell into people-pleasing.

Needing everyone to be happy. And, willing to do the work so everyone can be happy. Even if it wasn’t what was good for me or my mental health. I have spent the better part of my life being terrified of disappointing my parents, and it’s not because of them really. They aren’t big, scary people. But, maybe what I saw was if I don’t make them happy, and I don’t do what they want, then they’ll do to me what they did to my brother.

These are just thoughts and me pondering. I’m working through it. Uncovering all these layers. There are a lot of things that I just have never spoken about. I never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings. But, I need to do this work. For me. Because I deserve peace in my mind.

I think that this journey is just beginning.

I plan to write about my therapy experience extensively, so I really hope you don’t get bored of me! I’m working through the hard stuff and I find peace in sharing it with you. This one thought was triggered by being asked about my family growing up. I’ve always simply accepted that my brother was gone since I was 10 years old. Over the years my friends asked questions, teachers asked questions, everyone talked to me about it, and I never knew what to say. I was told that what went on in our house was not to be shared with anyone outside of our home. Being afraid to disappoint them, I certainly wasn’t going against them. But, I never knew the right thing to say.

Before this, I didn’t even know it was possible to be kicked out of your home.

I didn’t know parents could do that. I mean, I know that sounds ridiculous. But I was 10. I guess it’s possible that this experience has really impacted me. It’s affected how I think and how I feel about things. I definitely don’t judge my parents or hold any resentment over this. There were much larger issues going on than I could understand at that point in my life.

I’m slowly figuring this out and appreciate all who stick by me through this.

Love Always, Enn

p.s. If you enjoyed reading this post, you might enjoy this one about how I’ve grown and improved as a blogger!


3 thoughts on “I Never Got To Say Good-Bye – Thoughts with N

  1. I’m so sorry you had to go through that! It’s really brave of you to open up and share your ongoing therapy experience. Sending you lots of love xx

  2. This was a really interesting and engaging read. I’m so sorry to hear about your experience with your brother – wishing you all the best with figuring it all out. Thanks for sharing!

  3. Thank you so much for sharing your story and being so honest and vulnerable about it. I pray you will find peace and healing as you walk out this journey and share on your blog. It definitely is difficult to walk through painful times like these especially when it does not fully make sense to you (you were a child). Again thank you for sharing your story.

    Pastor Natalie

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