It is New Years Eve, and upon writing this I am sitting in my pjs and watching Netflix.
See, New Years Eve is not such a HUGE deal to me anymore. I can barely make it to 10pm, never mind midnight. There are celebrations everywhere, and every year I think it might be fun to attend, until the day actually arrives.
While I have managed, and made so much headway with my anxiety, the reality is, I do still live with it.
It doesn`t go away, just because of a holiday. Though, sometimes I feel that would be nice. I`ve never gone out for New Years, and had that grand celebration that you see on T.V. I think I used to want it, so it made me hate my anxiety even more, and I would ring in the new year feeling like I had failed again.
I no longer want it.
I`m very happy in my pjs, and a cup of hot chocolate and my home.
A year ago, it felt like my illness won. Again. It felt like my illness took away another potential happy moment.
But 2019 was a year of growth for me. Now I can see that my illness hasn`t won, and that it isn`t an enemy either. It is a part of me. Learning my triggers and boundaries has been a large part of maintaining and achieving positive mental health.
I think sometimes society puts quite a bit of pressure on people to CELEBRATE and create these New Years Resolutions, that we likely won`t be able to stick to anyways.
So, if you are anything like me, and you are spending the holiday at home, or somewhere comfy and cosy and without the party-feeling, please know that is okay. We all need to make the best choices we can for ourselves.
Part of recovery is taking back control, and that is what I have done by allowing myself this evening without it being defeat, but rather a choice.
If you are someone who enjoys a party and celebration, make sure you check out my post over here about welcoming 2020!
However you bring in the new year, please be safe.