It is New Years Eve, and upon writing this I am sitting in my pjs and watching Netflix.
See, New Years Eve is not such a HUGE deal to me anymore. I can barely make it to 10pm, never mind midnight. There are celebrations everywhere, and every year I think it might be fun to attend, until the day actually arrives.
While I have managed, and made so much headway with my anxiety, the reality is, I do still live with it.
It doesn`t go away, just because of a holiday. Though, sometimes I feel that would be nice. I`ve never gone out for New Years, and had that grand celebration that you see on T.V. I think I used to want it, so it made me hate my anxiety even more, and I would ring in the new year feeling like I had failed again.
I no longer want it.
I`m very happy in my pjs, and a cup of hot chocolate and my home.
A year ago, it felt like my illness won. Again. It felt like my illness took away another potential happy moment.
But 2019 was a year of growth for me. Now I can see that my illness hasn`t won, and that it isn`t an enemy either. It is a part of me. Learning my triggers and boundaries has been a large part of maintaining and achieving positive mental health.
I think sometimes society puts quite a bit of pressure on people to CELEBRATE and create these New Years Resolutions, that we likely won`t be able to stick to anyways.
So, if you are anything like me, and you are spending the holiday at home, or somewhere comfy and cosy and without the party-feeling, please know that is okay. We all need to make the best choices we can for ourselves.
Part of recovery is taking back control, and that is what I have done by allowing myself this evening without it being defeat, but rather a choice.
If you are someone who enjoys a party and celebration, make sure you check out my post over here about welcoming 2020!
However you bring in the new year, please be safe.
Sending you so much love.
Love Always, N