My little girl came into the world exactly when she was due to.
October 21, 2013.
She came as if she was in a rush. Almost as if she had somewhere to be, or something to do maybe. She was perfect. She didn`t ever cry, nor did she fuss. She was just a completely happy and content little princess.
But, I wasn`t over the moon for her.
I had a two year old at the same time who was beyond difficult. She was easy and most times it felt like she didn`t even need me really. I mean of course she needed me to feed her and change her, but she was just content on her own.
It was like I had no purpose in her life.
But of course I can see now that I did. I can see that this was where signs started showing. My husband was so good with her. Her eyes sparkled when he picked her up, and you could see how he was overflowing with love for her. I felt nothing. Like as if I wasn`t even her Mom, but rather a baby-sitter maybe.
Time went on.
I constantly felt so much guilt with her. I had tried to breastfeed, because that`s whats `best` for baby, and it just didn`t work for us. So my journey being her mother had begun with what I had seen as failure. Every time I looked at her I so badly wanted to feel some sort of connection, but I didn`t feel connection to anybody at that point.
It was her 6 month check-up when I heard the words `Post-Partum Depression`.
I had existed through the 6 months, definitely taking care of her, she was healthy and thriving, but I was sinking and was lost.
She was my second baby, and I never knew about this. I wish I would have though. Maybe I could have been more aware and gotten help sooner so that it didn`t rob me of my little girl being a baby. Becoming a mother is not always as beautiful as the movie and TV make it out to be. It`s messy and hard. And for some of us, that bond, and that connection, didn`t just happen.
I think often that there is a lot of pressure as to what being a mother needs to look like, and what it looks like after you have the baby. Like as if you just now know what you are doing. It didn`t happen this way for me.
Maybe I had depression during my pregnancy, I am not sure. Once I was diagnosed, I began to get regular help. I started recognising how I was feeling, and dealing with the guilt I had been feeling. Slowly, I began to establish my relationship being her mother. Slowly, I started to feel that connection.
If you are feeling anything along the lines of this, please know you are not alone, and nor are you a bad mother. The journey to becoming a mother has been a very rocky roller-coaster ride for me, and I feel is not something that came naturally for me. I think there is simply too much pressure out there for Moms to appear perfect.
It`s okay to not be perfect.
I received so many congratulations on my beautiful little girl, but no one saw that I was sinking deeper and deeper into my depression. So, I`m asking you beautiful mama, how are you? Have you eaten today? Have you showered? Are you okay?
It`s okay to not be okay.
It`s okay to talk about your feelings.
It`s okay to not feel a connection immediately.
It`s okay, whatever you are experiencing.
Love Always, N