If you are a mama then you likely will be able to relate to this.
If not, then you can just learn, and be empathetic.
When you are pregnant, you go through that intense 9 months of discomfort and emotions.
Whether or not you have a partner, and/or support, at the end of the day, you are the one living it. You are the one feeling it.
Maybe you are excited for the pregnancy, and maybe you are still coping through it, but none the less, there is a baby coming and your body is making it.
Maybe you find out the gender, maybe you don`t, but you start to begin to understand that there is a human growing inside of you.
Every single thing you do, directly affects this baby.
The activities you take part in affect this growing baby. What you eat, what you drink, every single thing. You are limited in life now.
Again, maybe this limitation is a happy one for you, or maybe it is not. None the less, this is happening to you. It is happening to your body, inside your body. It is happening to your mind, and every single part of your being.
So, whether or not you have a support system, this is all you. First, you are a superstar. Second, you got this. You CAN do it.
The ultrasounds happen, the appointments happen, and all the ups and downs of your pregnancy. The emotions, the food cravings, the soreness of your body, the coping with and accepting the changing body you have now been given.
These may be the greatest moments of your life.
Ones that you treasure and hold onto for the rest of your life.
This may be your nightmare.
A cold, dark nightmare filled with demons that are swirling you.
You go through labour. Screaming, maybe swearing, crying, sweating, you name it. The intense pain explodes from inside of you as you bring this baby to life. This baby exists because of you.
They hand you the baby. You did it. For a few moments, the world stops and all that you see is your baby. The sweet, small, beautiful baby that is in this world because of you.
Maybe they urge you to try breastfeeding, and maybe you already know you want to, or don`t want to. Perhaps they tell you it will strengthen your bond, or that it would be healthy for the baby, or for you. Maybe they make you feel guilty if you don`t want to try.
Maybe you are left feeling like a crappy mom.
Baby goes home to your prepared space. Your items tell you you are ready for it, you have the crib, the swing, the playpen… you have it all. It tells you you are ready, but your mind and heart tell you you are not.
Then it hits.
You are a mother.
You are solely responsible for the life of this tiny human you created.
While that is so remarkable, it is terrifying. Every move you make, every single thing you do, every part of your being is now devoted to this baby.
Gone are your plans and dreams maybe. Gone is your plan for life maybe, or maybe it has just changed, or maybe this was your plan all along? Maybe this was everything you ever wanted. But, maybe it wasn`t.
Maybe this changed the entire course of your life.
And then, the dark cloud hits.
And brings copious amounts of rain.
Your tears never stop falling.
They drown you maybe. They pull you under. They drag you in. They spiral, they swirl. And they suck every amount of oxygen that you might have had left. Every piece that motherhood may have not have taken from you yet.
Yes, you love baby.
Baby cries, and you soothe. Baby is tired, you rock. Baby is hungry, you feed. Day in and day out.
Many nights are sleepless, many days are alone.
This is all on you.
Support, or no support, you are mom. The world starts and ends with you.
Does the pressure get to you?
The want and need to be perfect. The losing the weight fast pressure. Having the perfect diaper bag, the perfect stroller, everything perfect. The pressure to be that mom.
That mom that has it all together. Even though on the inside you are ripped apart. Your heart hurts, your eyes permanently swollen. Every single part of you is broken. But, your eye shadow is beautiful, your lashes are long, and you are carrying a gorgeous handbag,
On the outside, you are that mom. That one that has it all together. On the inside, you are dying. Every piece of you is broken, and exhausted.
I have always found it to be so sad how beautiful motherhood is, but how incredibly lonely, isolating and sad it can be.
You feel physical pain, and maybe even emotional pain. Maybe you are carrying it all alone. Maybe you aren`t, but can you really tell your person the depth of what you feel.
Are you comfortable openly admitting that you don`t know how you feel about being a mom?
There is this idea that, as soon as a baby is placed in your arms, something happens, and just like that, you gain this whole new perspective on life ,and you become a perfect mother.
Maybe this happened for you.
That was not how my story went.
I felt more alone than I ever thought possible. I felt lost. I felt like I was a mess. I didn`t understand what was going on with my body. I thought I was prepared for it all, and it turned out I had no idea what was coming my way.
Have you ever felt that deep loneliness after birth? The feeling of complete loss? Like you are just wandering through life with absolutely no direction whatsoever.
If you have felt that, or do feel that right now, let me just tell you, it doesn`t make you a bad person. It doesn`t mean you are a bad mom either. It makes you human. It makes you real. It makes you feel. It makes emotions and feelings cut so deep, that you feel things on an entirely different level.
It makes you. It feels like it will break you, but, it won`t.
I believe in you. Your baby believes in you. You are doing an amazing job.
I know how hard it is. I know how lonely that path can feel. I know how frustrating it can be learning a new baby, and understanding the change in your body.
As women, I also know we are queens and we are capable of moving mountains. It is incredible what we can do. We bring life into the world, and we care and continue to give our life for the rest of their life.
You are amazing mama. Keep going. Love Always, N
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