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Life with N,  Mental Health

Regret

I really don`t like to regret things and have spent a lot of my adult life accepting and letting things go, rather than holding onto it and allowing it to become a regret.

But, there is one thing that I will regret til the day I die.

One thing that I can`t do anything to change it.

I have no control over it whatsoever.

The story actually begins so long ago. Long before I was even born. It begins in a place I have never been, seen, or heard of before I started learning about this.

It`s in the past now. But the pain is still present.

All I can do, is learn to live with it.

Learn to feel it, accept it, and hopefully, one day let it go, and even maybe forgive myself.

It goes back to my very first memories, and continues on, until I was 21.

I had a wonderful relationship with my Grandma. She was my hero and my best friend. I knew I was so lucky to have her. But, my entire time, and being was all about my Grandma, and I never took the time to get to know my Grandpa very well.

Sadly, I learnt more about him after he passed away, than when he was here with me.

I wish so much that I could go back, and spend more time with him.

I wish I could have known then, that time is so precious. We don`t have forever.

My Grandma passed away first, and that broke me. I stopped going to visit my Grandpa. It hurt so much that my Grandma wasn`t there. Now, I imagine how it must have felt for him, and tears spring to my eyes.

I never meant to be hurtful.

My Grandma was the first person in my life that I felt saw me. When she passed away, I felt like a ghost again. I simply existed but wasn`t living.

I started drinking, just to numb it. To numb the pain and emptiness I felt. I sought attention in so many ways that I just didn`t even know who I was anymore.

To be so lost, at 16 years old, I wish I would have reached out for help. . .

I wish I would have told someone I was struggling. I wish someone could have saved me from me.

I fantasised about dying. About what the feeling would be to just not exist anymore.

It changed me. It broke me. The pain still hurts me.

But, I regret not getting to know my Grandpa more. I saw him all the time growing up, but I regret that I didn`t build that strong connection with him like I did my Grandma.

I regret being too afraid of seeing him his last few weeks of life. Cancer took him, but boy… he fought.

He fought for years, and he was fiercely strong.

He was born in Ferrol, Galicia, Spain. He did not have a good childhood, and was an only child.

My Grandpa worked hard, and brought his family to Canada to give them a better life.

Sometimes I`ve tried to imagine how tough that must have been, but I simply can`t. He was built of strength.

My Grandpa was tall, strong, and quiet. He gave hugs that screamed `I love you`, even when his words didn`t. He was a man of few words, but filled with pride for his family.

Though this lesson has hurt me so much, I also learnt so much from it.

I learnt to appreciate the time I have, and to invest my time and energy into the relationships that I am so lucky to have.

I learnt about my culture, and his country.

Yesterday was his birthday, and I am not late wishing him a happy birthday, I just was focused on myself during the day. Focused on remembering him.

I hope he would be proud of me if he were here.

Happy Birthday My Dear Grandfather,

Love Always, N

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4 Comments

  • Leah

    Your grandpa sounds a lot like my dad. Their generation didn’t always know how to talk through emotions, and I’m willing to bet that he knew you were having a tough time but didn’t know how to help other than giving you space. I’m glad that you’ve found a way to connect with him even though he’s passed on, and took the time to write this beautiful tribute, which took some serious emotional strength. 💕

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