I have encountered some small dips, but nothing like a drop to the bottom of the earth.
Nothing too dark.
Nothing too scary.
No suicidal thoughts, or new scars to hide.
I`ve managed to wade through the tide, and not let the ocean crash on me and take me under.
The problem that always happens with me however, is that I spend so much of my time and energy either trying to figure out what I did to make these good weeks happen, or anticipate when the down is going to come.
I try so hard not to.
I try to simply enjoy it.
Living with Bipolar 2, when the down comes, it is often for a very long time. And there isn`t anything I can do to ease it.
It feels as if I am carrying around the weight of the world on my shoulders, all day every day. Every movement makes my body ache, and every time I have to talk to anyone I find myself becoming more and more exhausted. ( stop by this post to read more about what it feels like for me Life in Grey)
Sometimes I just break down crying, and I don`t have a clue why.
The sadness I feel is just sometimes too much.
It flows out of me in the form of tears, crying rivers of sorrow and grief.
Crying doesn`t make it any better. I am just left feeling stupid for crying.
Do you see how this is a sad cycle? And I simply can`t break it.
So when the happy times come, and I can function, maybe on a faster more excited level, but none the less still function, I try to figure out why. What made it happen.
I think my thinking is to figure out why, so that I can have more control. If I can understand it, then I can stop the low can`t I?
If there is a special thing that happens and brings in the happy, then I want to understand it to the fullest extent so I can make it happen more.
I get so obsessed with it. I analyse every single movement and word I use thinking that maybe it is the secret ingredient to a happy day. Maybe that is what I need to do ALL the time in order to be happy.
I become so incredibly focused on this, that I don`t even realise how much lower I am sinking.
And then the crash… there is no secret thing that happens.
This is just me.
This is the illness. Sometimes I`m up and often I`m down. There are things that sometimes help, but there is no recipe for perfection.
I have to take a step back and remind myself of this sometimes. Put it all back into perspective by trying to understand that this is not something I can control. I am not in charge of my illness.
So, if this isn`t what I become obsessed with, then it`s anticipating when the low is going to hit, because I know it`s going to.
I never know how intense it will be, or how long it will stick around, but I DO know it is coming. Sometimes it brings more demons than others, but the demons always come. They circle around me and rob me of any moment of joy that I could possibly feel. But of course, how would I know joy when I am always haunted.
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with knowing the low is coming. It`s like I brace myself for it. Like as if I can put up a shield to protect myself, but in reality, I can not.
There isn`t anything I can do to make it all stop. I will not ever figure out how to keep the `high` part so I can feel happiness, and I will not ever know when the low is going to hit. Sadly, there is no umbrella for the rain of my demons.
My demons cry never ending tears, and they drown me. The tears don`t stop, and the longer they last, the more intense the down I feel.
How do you fix it all? How do you know how to figure out how to keep the `high` and manage the `low`?
I think you don`t.
I don`t anyways.
I don`t know the answers to these questions, though I have tried many times to find them.
I`m just going day by day, living life with whatever my illness hands me.
Love Always, N
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