Well that time of year has come again, and it`s back to school time.
Though I have been saying for a while that I needed school to begin again and life to go back to `normal`, it still takes me a bit to adjust and for the sadness to pass.
I know it sounds weird. Why would I be sad when that was exactly what I wanted? I wanted school to begin.
Every summer that passes, and school begins again, I feel as if I am gasping for air. Time flies by so fast, and year after year, my babies are getting older. Of course one might say, `well that is life`, and they would be right, but when they go back to school, I find myself sad that I had wanted that in the first place.
My anxiety comes barging in, like a Mom on a mission, and replays the entire summer right before my eyes.
`We didn`t realise we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun` Winnie The Pooh
Then, my mind goes to how I should have enjoyed my time with them more. I should have done more with them. It goes as far as to tell me that my kids deserve a better Mom than me. I have failed them.
Logically, anyone can see that seems as we all have made it through summer, I clearly didn`t fail them.
But, anyone with anxiety knows that is just not how it works. Logic flies out the window as soon as anxiety comes in through the door.
I mean, yes, sometimes I was a bit impatient. Sometimes they wanted to go take over the world at 7am and I had not even had coffee yet. (Taking over the world must happen AFTER 7am and DEFINITELY after coffee).
Sometimes they were racing up and down the stairs, something about running from dinosaurs or something, and I asked them to stop because it was SO loud.
Sometimes there treasures (rocks, sticks, mud and more) were taking over my house and I couldn`t take it anymore and had to clean it up.
Now that they are back in school though, I wish I would have seen the beauty in all these little things.
I wish I would have enjoyed these little things.
I am wondering though, maybe I did. Maybe I did enjoy it. Maybe they even could tell. Maybe they could see past the anxiety clouds and see that I was happy to be helping them chase away the dinosaurs. Maybe they could see past the storms of impatience and notice my smile.
At the end of the summer, it is always nice to look back and reflect on what we`ve done and how we spent our time. This year was a lot of just simple being together kind of things, and honestly, it was great.
So, while my anxiety is trying to take away another summer vacation from me, I know that my kids had a great time, and I did as well.
I can`t make my anxiety be completely quiet, but I have been able to manage it somewhat. I have been able to keep reminding myself of how everything actually was, rather than how my anxiety wants me to remember it.
So, another summer vacation has come and gone, and the countdown for it to come begins again. My babies are leaving me again, and I will send them off on the school bus, and await for them to come home and hear all about their day.
It`s always too fast. Time just completely speeds by and before you know it, you are looking back missing all those times that you maybe wished away too fast.
I think it`s just how life goes.
That saying `You don`t really know what you got until it`s gone` (T.I) is so true isn`t it? We never can fully appreciate anything until we no longer have it. Be it time, a person, an event, anything.
So this year, I send my babies back to school, and though my anxiety is trying to steal away my entire summer with them, I won`t allow it. I know that being impatient at times doesn`t make me a bad Mom, it makes me human. I know that not wanting to take on the world at 7am also doesn`t mean that I`ve failed.
Life.. it just happens. I am sometimes so tired from fighting my anxiety, that I feel I miss everything. But, based on our pictures, I think I was there this time.
I hope you had a beautiful summer.
Love Always N
P.S. If you enjoyed this post don`t forget to follow and stop by an older post of mine too! Inner Meanie