This past Monday I had a doctors appointment. It was made in a crisis moment where I started to really fear myself. Or, rather, fear the monsters that live inside of me.
Things had been going okay for a little while, but then I got this genius idea to stop my medication.
You know, because I was fixed. I`ve been barely making it through the days. I don`t sleep. And, I started struggling with self-harm again, after two months clean.
Life is freaking hard, isn`t it. It feels like I carry a million pound weight on top of me all the time, and lately it started to feel like I was just going to break. So, in an attempt to at least be here for my children, I went to the doctor.
From that point I had two choices. Either voluntarily go to the crisis center, or she`d sign the papers that I had to be taken in. Being a control freak I did not like the idea of not being in charge of that decision, so I went myself.
The low that I have been living in lately has felt so suffocating. I don`t remember a time I`ve felt this before. It`s as if my demons constantly have me with a bag over my head and I fight for each and every breath I get to take.
Suicide has been on my mind so much that it breaks my heart, and brings tears to my eyes just writing this.
It feels like an everyday thought now. My world has gotten so much darker, and everything is unraveling and I can`t seem to hold on.
Life is spinning out of control, and I am being tossed around. My body is so tired and I feel so weak. I worry about how much longer I can carry on. I want to say I can do this. I want to say it will be okay, but really, will it?
If you could see me right now, you`d see how fallen apart I am. I can`t remember the last time my hair was washed, or the last time I got dressed. I`ve spent the majority of my days sleeping. Sleeping lets me escape. It gives me a break from fighting so hard.
I`m so tired of feeling like this. Every move hurts. But, I want to get better. I swear I do. But, maybe I just can`t?
I tried to reach out to someone whom you`d think would care, and be supportive. I told them I was in the crisis center and I was still really struggling.
The response? Sorry to hear that.
Sorry to hear that? What kind of response is that. I won`t tell you who this person is, but it is someone who you would think would maybe say, are you okay? Do you need anything? Can I do anything? I`m here for you.
Maybe I`m being critical. Maybe. But if someone opens up, and is saying, I`m not okay, is the answer really, sorry to hear that. It sounds so cold and empty.
I spent time wondering if maybe I was/am not worthy of anything other than that. Sorry to hear that.
You`re sorry to hear that I am suicidal and that I have a plan in place? You`re sorry to hear that I am still sick, and that cardio didn`t cure me? What exactly are you sorry to hear, and rather than being sorry to hear that, why not express love and support. The entire answer was literally… sorry to hear that.
When the world gives us that, why would we reach out? When you turn to someone you thought you could turn to, and you are met with a cold hard slap in the face, would you be so quick to try again?
I feel like I`m just so tired.
Like life has beaten me so much, and I have nothing left to give. I wonder if that person would be sorry to hear that too.
Love your loved ones. Let them know you love them. You never know what demons people are carrying around with them on the inside.