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Health&Wellness,  Life with N

Sorry To Hear That

Trigger Warning!!! Contains suicidal thoughts.

This past Monday I had a doctors appointment. It was made in a crisis moment where I started to really fear myself. Or, rather, fear the monsters that live inside of me.

Things had been going okay for a little while, but then I got this genius idea to stop my medication.

You know, because I was fixed. I`ve been barely making it through the days. I don`t sleep. And, I started struggling with self-harm again, after two months clean.

Life is freaking hard, isn`t it. It feels like I carry a million pound weight on top of me all the time, and lately it started to feel like I was just going to break. So, in an attempt to at least be here for my children, I went to the doctor.

From that point I had two choices. Either voluntarily go to the crisis center, or she`d sign the papers that I had to be taken in. Being a control freak I did not like the idea of not being in charge of that decision, so I went myself.

The low that I have been living in lately has felt so suffocating. I don`t remember a time I`ve felt this before. It`s as if my demons constantly have me with a bag over my head and I fight for each and every breath I get to take.

Suicide has been on my mind so much that it breaks my heart, and brings tears to my eyes just writing this.

It feels like an everyday thought now. My world has gotten so much darker, and everything is unraveling and I can`t seem to hold on.

Life is spinning out of control, and I am being tossed around. My body is so tired and I feel so weak. I worry about how much longer I can carry on. I want to say I can do this. I want to say it will be okay, but really, will it?

If you could see me right now, you`d see how fallen apart I am. I can`t remember the last time my hair was washed, or the last time I got dressed. I`ve spent the majority of my days sleeping. Sleeping lets me escape. It gives me a break from fighting so hard.

I`m so tired of feeling like this. Every move hurts. But, I want to get better. I swear I do. But, maybe I just can`t?

I tried to reach out to someone whom you`d think would care, and be supportive. I told them I was in the crisis center and I was still really struggling.

The response? Sorry to hear that.

Sorry to hear that? What kind of response is that. I won`t tell you who this person is, but it is someone who you would think would maybe say, are you okay? Do you need anything? Can I do anything? I`m here for you.

Maybe I`m being critical. Maybe. But if someone opens up, and is saying, I`m not okay, is the answer really, sorry to hear that. It sounds so cold and empty.

I spent time wondering if maybe I was/am not worthy of anything other than that. Sorry to hear that.

You`re sorry to hear that I am suicidal and that I have a plan in place? You`re sorry to hear that I am still sick, and that cardio didn`t cure me? What exactly are you sorry to hear, and rather than being sorry to hear that, why not express love and support. The entire answer was literally… sorry to hear that.

When the world gives us that, why would we reach out? When you turn to someone you thought you could turn to, and you are met with a cold hard slap in the face, would you be so quick to try again?

I feel like I`m just so tired.

Like life has beaten me so much, and I have nothing left to give. I wonder if that person would be sorry to hear that too.

Love your loved ones. Let them know you love them. You never know what demons people are carrying around with them on the inside.

Stay safe, and I`m sending all of you love.

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29 Comments

  • Ruth Lees

    This breaks my heart! As disappointing as that response was though, I really hope you will continue to seek connections and support from others. Your blog is important and YOU are important. Sending you good vibes and hugs!

  • Paulina Stelmach

    Thank you for sharing such an important part of you with us! You are so brave – I can’t even describe how much this post has moved me. I suffer from depression myself and I know how daunting life can be. I am sending you all my love and hope that everything goes in the right direction for you.

    If you ever need to talk, (even in general) I’m here for you – my twitter handle is @PaulinaAStelmah (I followed you just today but feel like sometimes it’s good to talk to stranger)

    Love you girl x

  • Sarah Mark

    I am sending you love and prayers during this hard time! I never really know what to say when someone is having a difficult time but seeing it from your perspective they could have said something different like asking if there was anything they could do but maybe at that moment they just didn’t know what to say and that was the first thing that came to their mind.

  • Charity

    Sending you love during this hard time. Some people may just not know the right thing to say. I am one of those people. I always struggle to find the right thing to say when someone is going through a very difficult time. Although, I see it from your side too. I would be offended if that was the only response I got. I would at least think that they could ask if they could do anything for you or if you needed anything at all. I would definitely ask that for sure.

  • The Newbury Girl

    wow – this really hit home for me because it made me pause to think about how often I say “sorry to hear that.” Often times it can become a default when I am unsure of what to say, but reading this post has made me aware of the negative connotations it can have – especially without proper follow up / support.

    Rather than saying that, I’m going to wish you well and hope that things turnaround. Going through a low period is the worst, but I always hold on to hope that things can be better. You are worthy of happiness and it takes a lot of courage to share these struggles. I always appreciate your honesty.

  • Alisa Russell

    I understand this more than you can know. You are in my thoughts and prayers! If I lived in the same town as you, I would be bringing you a meal because I know the thought of cooking would be overwhelming with all the other thoughts scrambling you. Sending love and (((hugs)))!

  • Crystal

    First, good job on going to the doctor to get help. This breaks my heart to read. I can’t imagine what this must be like. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. I really hope that you get the help you need and are able to overcome all of these horrible thoughts. I pray that you find the strength to continue fighting.

  • Claire

    Sending you so much love. Taking a step towards help is so important but I am so very sorry that you reached out and had such a flat and empty response.

    I hope that things begin to get better for you very soon x

  • Shana Seigler

    Thank you for being so candid. I have stopped medication on my own before and twice weaned off. My doctor started talking about weaning me off again. You would think you would agree maybe I need them. I know what it’s like to sleep all day, wonder when you showered last, etc.. I had to cut knots out of my hair recently because I was pretty unkempt and hadn’t taken care of my hair. I feel for you.

  • Sarah

    They may just not know what to say!
    I’ve struggled so much with people’s dumb responses over so many things in life… anxiety, depressions, adoption, job changes.
    Counseling has really been my saving grace.
    I hope that this week is a much brighter spot for you and that you get some much needed encouragement from someone you’re close too!
    This was a very brave and beautifully written post!

  • carol hannah

    No that was not a good response and the next time, if they ever call to tell you something they think is important – give them the same reply.

    Jeez, I just don’t get some people. Yes, what about asking if you need to be picked up, can I come and get you, what can I do for you? But – “Sorry to hear that”

    We’re all with you and here if you need support.

    Caz x

  • Zineb

    I’m sending you all the love I can. It’s a very good thing that you are trying out a plan, you are strong and you can do it. In some parts of the post, I could relate and I just want to tell you that yes it will, it will get better, no matter how much time it takes, the day where you’ll be happy again will come. Believe in yourself, hold on to yourself, I might not know you personally but I care about this situation. You are doing a great job, this person might have told you I’m sorry to hear that but I will say to you instead “good luck, you can do it, you can hold on to this life, you are worthy of living and you will find happiness, I have no doubts of it. Believe in yourself.” And lastly have a good day, sorry if my comment was a bit long.

  • Kristina Lanteigne

    Some people don’t know what to say – I faced the same tourments myself when I was at my lowest, although my bestfriend was there for me aswell as my mother.. they didn’t went there the same way as I did – What they were saying to me felt like they didn’t really understood (and clearly never had been there)

    Please, don’t let go. If you need a chat, always feel free to drop me a line on twitter (@DoxieLover_27), or anywhere! I’ll listen to what you have to say, and hopefully will give you better answers than thoses who don’t understand.

    Getting off meds, specially so suddently, is never a good idea. You don’t need to “outgrow” them.. it’s totally fine if you need them for the rest of your life, like I do. Although it seems so far away now, I do remember the excrutiating pain I was into, and how I feared going to see a psychiatrist – hell, I even bursted crying in the waiting room! You can get better, you won’t feel like this forever .. I believe in you ❤️❤️ Sending you lots of love! xx

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