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Health&Wellness,  Life with N

Still I Rise

TW: Contains Suicide Topic.

There is no secret that the last year has basically been hell for me.

I have gone through such dark times, that I didn`t even think light existed afterwards. Feelings of such emptiness and numbness that I felt there was simply no point in continuing on.

While I know that life is hard, I never knew that it would be like this.

What I have felt in the last year is not hard. It`s nothing. At least feeling like it was hard would be a feeling. Feeling nothing, and simply being a ghost in your own life is not something I would wish on anyone.

Demons that haunt me never let me rest in the last year. Every time it felt like a medication was working, they knocked me right off my feet again. Every time it seemed that I knew how to plan my days so that they would be good ones, my demons were knocking on my door.

They were relentless.

They beat me down every single day. Day after day I was left feeling worthless and hopeless. I felt I had nothing to offer. I felt like everyone and the world would be better off without me. More often than not, I was left feeling like a failure.

They whispered, they swirled, and when I would try so hard to hear and focus over them, they would scream so loud, making it impossible to function. Writing used to clear my head, but they got so loud and invasive, that there wasn`t any way to clear it anymore. It was simply a way of life.

When I was in the hospital, I had to surrender control of every piece of my being.

The demons landed me there, but it was me who got me out. So as a celebration to still standing, I finally got my first tattoo. Across my forearm. To remind myself, that I am stronger than whatever is coming my way. I can make it through whatever my demons are throwing at me.

I continue to rise each and every day, as do each and every one of you.

Each and every day that our mental illness tries to take us, we take back that day by keep fighting.

It`s the hardest thing in the world. To exist in this world while fighting a war every single day.

But, still, we rise.

Love Always, N

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