As we are heading into August and approaching the end of summer and the beginning of my most favourite season I find that I am spending some time reflecting on how much I have changed over this particular season.
See, I think, we are always changing. I think we are always learning. But, I feel like this summer I have changed and learnt far more than what I usually do.
I feel like this summer I grew.
Or maybe, it was that I figured out what I wanted and wasn`t too afraid to go after it.
Summer is such a beautiful season in my town. The gorgeous flowers, the beautiful green grass, and the brilliant blue sky is a sight I could take in forever.
The way the sun touches down on the waters, and the way the waters reflects the depths of my soul, and the way that the flowers bloom, even after a bitter cold winter just amazes me.
I love the way the heat feels on my skin in the summer, and that beautiful glow that happens when I`ve been outdoors.
I used to hate summer. With a passion actually.
For me, summer meant less clothes. Which meant, shorts, dresses and bathing suits.
All of these things were my worst nightmare. Before this year, summer was in no way poetic, nor beautiful. It was like life was trying to strip me naked and expose all my vulnerabilities.
I remember every single summer how I`d feel. Even as a child. I would cry repeatedly in the very short season. I was never ever comfortable with my body. Never comfortable with my flaws. Never able to embrace what my body looks like.
This summer something happened for me. I`m not really sure what it was. Whether it`s age, or wisdom, or maturity, or what.
This summer, I wore shorts. Regularly. I even bought AND wore a bathing suit. I walked with my head held just a little higher, and for the first time in my life, actually started to feel comfortable in my skin, and my body.
This summer, instead of staring at my reflections and tearing myself apart, I actually loved what I saw. (For the most part.) I noticed my curves and even my scars and I didn`t cringe anymore.
Seeing myself staring back up when I looked in the water, I no longer wanted to cry. I no longer felt broken.
I think I began to understand that the body in which I live in does not define me whatsoever. My identity is not my body nor my size. It is just a place in which my soul, spirit and mind reside. And while I need to care for it, and make sure it is healthy, I am so much more than what it looks like.
This summer I began to understand what my scars mean, and how they are actually important in my story.
This summer I saw my stretch marks on my tummy, and I didn`t feel so disgusted. I felt proud to have carried my 3 children. I felt blessed to have had that opportunity. Stretch marks feels like a small sacrifice to make to have the honour of being a mother.
This summer it feels like I became me. It`s like I have a better understanding of myself, and I am comfortable with who I am. This summer I learned that I do not need to justify my mental health, nor do I need to explain myself to any single person. Also, I have learned that my time, my health and my mind are worth so much more than anything else, and that I never owe an apology for caring for them.
This summer I have become comfortable with talking about my mental illness. Although it (my illness) hurts me in so many ways, I no longer am afraid of it. I have spent time learning about it, and how I can cope through it, so I don`t need to live in fear.
This summer I became at peace with my entire being, mind, body, spirit, and soul.
I`m leaving this summer a different person, and welcoming the next season with open arms. I am ready to embrace the person I am and learn more about her.
Did you notice any personal changes over the season?
Love Always, N
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