9 years ago today, I was pregnant, and alone.

There was a sweet baby growing in my belly and I was far too angry at the world to enjoy it.

My boy is now almost 9, and we have never had a smooth path. Since the time he was 6 months old we have been at the doctors every few months for the same reason, and only to receive the same response.

My son is sweet and wonderful, but it has been the most difficult thing in my life to be his mother.

I have dealt with so much guilt as well from feeling this way. My son has very short fuses, and everything needs to be done exactly his way. If anything goes wrong, it triggers an outburst.

But see, it isn`t just an upset child. It`s rage. He throws, hits, kicks, everything and everyone. He says horrible things that I would never say to anyone ever.

It has gotten to such a point that I have had to tell my children`s school that they can`t be anywhere near each other.

He has made very detailed threats to kill her. My daughter. His little sister.

He has told me he hears things. He has told me he simply can`t make it stop. My son is at a point of looking beaten and exhausted.

I took him back to the doctor this Friday that just passed, only for him to be placed on another waiting list.

A waiting list that is approximately 10 months long.

How can he wait 10 months? We all have scars on our bodies from him. He is dangerous to himself and to his brother and sister. I can`t ever not supervise them. I can`t step away even to use the washroom. My son has no signs of leading up to an outburst and in a half a second, could be choking my daughter.

It`s been so hard. I don`t talk about it very much because I get a lot of judgement. I`ve had so many comments about *well how bad could it be?* .

There have been moments I have been locked in my room and he is breaking everything in my house. Moments that I have phoned the RCMP only to be told they can`t help me.

Moments where instead of floor, all I could see was broken glass.

Rather than waiting the 10 months, I want to take him to a place I have found that can access him much faster. However, it is private, and expensive.

My boy has been fighting for 8 years for someone to hear him, and someone to help him.

If you could even just help us with $1 or by sharing this post, it would mean everything to me. This could change our whole life. Having an answer to what is going on could allow us to get him some therapy and learn some skills. We don`t know what is going on, and no one is hearing us.

Please, please help us send him to a clinical psychologist. You can donate over here. GoFundMe . Please help him/us on our journey to understanding his mental health.

Thank you for reading this,

Love Always, N


6 thoughts on “The Light Of My Life

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