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Health&Wellness,  Life with N

The Feeling Of Unbearable Hopelessness

I’ve been feeling unbearably hopeless.

It’s beginning to feel like I am doing this. Like I’m in charge of my bipolar disorder. I am destroying my life and hurting everyone around me, on purpose. I, of course want to believe that isn’t the case. But what if it is? What if I am just simply not a nice person? Is it possible that these are my true colors and I can’t change them?

I spend every single day feeling like a failure.

I spend every conversation that I have to say “it’s not a good day” knowing there is judgement on the other side. Why can’t I just make it all stop? It feels so odd to not understand my feelings and my mind. How can this be real? Maybe it isn’t? Maybe it’s just in my head? But, if it’s in my head, does that make it not real? Who decides what’s real?

I’m trying to understand that what’s real for me does not make it less real if someone else can’t understand it. Often what goes on in my head is confusing and unclear. I’m working on accepting this rather than trying to change it. It’s because of my illness. And while I can learn new skills to cope better and improve my quality of life, I can’t change the fact that I live and struggle with bipolar disorder.

No amount of coping strategies will change that.

I think once I can come to terms with it, I’ll see growth and personal development. I think, as much as I understand that mental illness is real, and that I have one, I still unintentionally hope and pray that it will go away. It won’t. And, that has to be okay. I’m hoping that by working on acceptance, I’ll be able to put many demons to rest.

My body feels tired and sore all the time.

This is simply not how I imagined I’d feel at 30. And while I am not as well as I had hoped, it’s probably important to start understanding that my illness is not a fault, and that I can’t make it go away. No amount of routine, exercise, therapy or medication will make my bipolar disorder leave. They will just strengthen my ability to cope.

I feel like I’ve been fighting it for so long. Determined that I should be able to control it. I’ve been determined that they (the doctors) have to be wrong. There is not way I have bipolar disorder. It turns out I’m wrong. I do have it. I’m struggling. I’ve been struggling for a long time.

For the last two years I’ve been on and off of setraline, lamotrigine, quetiapienne, lamotrigine again, valporic acid, and latuda.

Constantly increasing the dose every 2-10 days, only to find that it’s not working, to wean/stop, and try something else. I’ve been stuck in this terrible and vicious cycle for so long that I forgot even what the end goal was. I forgot what we were trying to achieve. Misery has just become my new way of life.

Lately, the the last year, my condition has worsened significantly.

I’ve gone from never thinking of suicide and just struggling with the dark depression, to having an active plan to end my life. In one year my life has changed drastically. My ability to make and keep decisions and promises has been completely altered. My ability to focus, concentrate and enjoy new things is non-existent. Joys that I once loved, I no longer feel anything for.

Bipolar disorder has tried to take everything from me. Repeatedly.

I’m determined to get stronger. I need to be okay.

Love always, N

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18 Comments

  • Kadie

    I am glad you shared this and that I read it. I had been feeling the same not too long ago, things seem to be looking up for me right now but I understand the struggle. I don’t have bipolar. I do have depression and anxiety. I think you are brave and open and honest for sharing this. Feelings of unbearable helplessness are something that a lot of people bottle up and hide away from the world but that won’t help you get better. Sharing and talking might. I won’t say it will because we both know it doesn’t always, but its a step in the right direction. I hope since this post that you’re doing a bit better and that you know you are not alone and I hope you continue to get stronger. Just keep telling yourself that you can and will! <3

  • Nyxie

    I am so sorry you’re going through this right now. But thank you for talking about it. Thank you for putting it out into the world. No matter what you feel about yourself please know that you are appreciated and loved. x Keep fighting. x

  • Magical Travels

    Thank you for sharing this…it’s not easy to write down feelings and emotions, especially if they are so strong. I don’t know much about bipolar disorder, but I believe that being able to express and share your condition with the others is an important step in the right direction. So thanks again for your honesty.

  • Harumi

    Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with the world. Although many people may not be able to relate, there are quite a few people who can. You speaking publically about this may help someone not feel alone.

  • Amanda

    You are so strong and brave just for sharing this! Hang in there, you are strong and it will get better! Thank you for sharing.

  • Alexis

    I give you mad props for being so honest and putting yourself out there, takes a lot of strength and courage. I’m sorry for all you’re going through, if you ever need to talk shoot me a DM on Twitter

  • Kayleigh Zara

    I actually don’t know very much about Bipolar Disorder so this was so insightful. I’ve followed you for a long while now and I love reading your content, and I can’t thankyou enough for posting something so honest. I can fully understand your medicine troubles too, I had this issue with my blood condition medicine, it took almost four years to find one that worked for me and didn’t leave me feeling yucky and depressed all the time.

    I’m always here if you need a chat x

  • Jenn

    I find things like bipolar disorder so interesting. It’s crazy to me that what works for one person won’t work for another simply because of how their body and chemicals and such is made up. I was reading about it the other day because of movie I was watching had an actor in it that I was curious about. And he had bipolar disorder and they were saying that it was hard because even with medicine you still had bad days. And those bad days could last as long as 2 weeks. I don’t know what you are going through personally, but I do know that I see you asking for help and letting others know when you aren’t feeling the best. That’s good. I do hope that you can find a balance soon to help you have better days. In the meantime, just know you are loved and appreciated. You are doing great things by talking about it. I know you are helping at least one person out there understand a little more.

    • admin

      Yes there are still really bad days even with medication. It’s tough. Thank you for reading and commenting, and for being so wonderful.

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