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This is the last installment of my series Misunderstood Mom. It is going to touch on trying to understand what’s real and what’s not. If you haven’t read the first three I would recommend you do that to understand it the most.

A Misunderstood Mom

The Crisis Line

Hopeless, Lost, and Defeated

Sometimes, life is great. Sometimes, it all makes sense.

Everything is awesome and I feel FANTASTIC. But, I don’t just mean I feel good, or I am in a good mood. I feel, like… drunk… but I’m not. During these times, nothing stands in my way. I feel I can conquer everything. Nothing is too hard. I have it all under control. My mind is buzzing and my body needs to move.

Once this feeling comes, I know what’s coming next.

The low. It comes so quickly that sometimes it knocks me right off my feet. Like a rushing river crashing against the rocks and I can barely hold onto the branch. It feels like that for sometimes a couple weeks. The water rushes over my head, and I grow to weak to pull my body back up. By the end of the storm, I feel so weak. My body hurts and it feels like it takes all my might to breathe.

It’s hard.

It’s hard to keep fighting to hold on, when everything is telling you to let go. It’s like I can hear voices chanting to let the water take me. My body is too tired and before I know it, I’m being pushed down the river, crashing against every rock along the way.

When the river crashes down on me, and I have to have my mom hat on at the same time, it feels like there’s no way.

There’s no way I can do it. How is it even possible to feel so low, for so long? It’s not a mindset. I’m not a negative person. It’s an illness. It’s my Bipolar. And while I try so hard to be “normal| and I get stuck in a vicious circle. It goes around and around. And coping with that AND my oldest son feels impossible.

Managing my invisible illness while trying to have a peaceful house is not easy.

In fact some days I wake up, simply knowing I can’t do it. Like my body can already tell what kind of day it’s going to be, and makes it so that I can’t move. It’s like being on a roller coaster. Every hour, of every day. And, I can’t make it stop.

It’s just the way my life is.

A constant up and down. Every time I’ve tried to get help for/with my son, I’m redirected to 10000 different people. Each one leaving us in between the cracks. Or, I’m told I am the problem. I need to change so he will change. Then, I fight to understand, if all of it is actually happening, or if it’s in my head. Am I making it up? Is it even real?

But, even if it’s in my head, does that mean it’s not real?

Love Always, N

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33 thoughts on “Understanding What’s Real And What’s Not

  1. I connected with this post so much. Sometimes I finding hard to express the feelings but you have done it so well. Thank you for being so open xxx

  2. I can certainly relate to having high highs and very low lows. Thank you for sharing this. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this.

  3. Managing an invisible illness (I have one as well) is difficult in and of itself but having other major responsibilities can exponentially increase the challenges. It’s got to be tough on your confidence; though I am sure you are a super hero in your children’s eyes.

  4. Managing an invisible illness (I have one as well) is difficult in and of itself but having other major responsibilities can exponentially increase the challenges. It’s got to be tough on your confidence; though I am sure you are a super hero in your children’s eyes

  5. I don’t know why this resonates with me. Some days are not good and some days everything makes sense. However, remember you are not alone! Thank you for sharing!

  6. I am in awe of how well you’ve verbalized this. I don’t know what I’d do right now if I had young children. (My children are young adults.) The feelings of letting go come over me in waves, and sometimes I just give up, but then, I get the strength to keep going on another day. You’ve done a great job with this series!

  7. Your illness is not something that should ever be taken lightly! You’re under incredible pressure every day between that and your oldest! I wish only the best for you and yours!

  8. Well written. I feel this sums up me at certain times..
    It seems the lows come out of nowhere and you just don’t know how to change them.
    Your words really hit home and I need to go back and read your other posts

  9. So sorry, this sounds so hard. How the health care system can let you down like this is really upsetting. If they think the problem is you, maybe they should help you instead of just saying that?? I think it’s awful they just brush you and your son aside like this. I hope that you continue to remain strong–I know that you can! xo

  10. It sounds so incredibly difficult to live like that day in and day out. I’m glad you are continuing to seek help even though it can be very hard to do. A wonderful series! Thanks for sharing your experiences. It will help others going through something similar and help people to understand what it’s like. Stop the stigma

    1. Me too. Life is so freakin hard isn’t it. Thank you for being so open and honest. Sending you love. Always here if you want to talk.

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