This is the last installment of my series Misunderstood Mom. It is going to touch on trying to understand what’s real and what’s not. If you haven’t read the first three I would recommend you do that to understand it the most.
Sometimes, life is great. Sometimes, it all makes sense.
Everything is awesome and I feel FANTASTIC. But, I don’t just mean I feel good, or I am in a good mood. I feel, like… drunk… but I’m not. During these times, nothing stands in my way. I feel I can conquer everything. Nothing is too hard. I have it all under control. My mind is buzzing and my body needs to move.
Once this feeling comes, I know what’s coming next.
The low. It comes so quickly that sometimes it knocks me right off my feet. Like a rushing river crashing against the rocks and I can barely hold onto the branch. It feels like that for sometimes a couple weeks. The water rushes over my head, and I grow to weak to pull my body back up. By the end of the storm, I feel so weak. My body hurts and it feels like it takes all my might to breathe.
It’s hard to keep fighting to hold on, when everything is telling you to let go. It’s like I can hear voices chanting to let the water take me. My body is too tired and before I know it, I’m being pushed down the river, crashing against every rock along the way.
When the river crashes down on me, and I have to have my mom hat on at the same time, it feels like there’s no way.
There’s no way I can do it. How is it even possible to feel so low, for so long? It’s not a mindset. I’m not a negative person. It’s an illness. It’s my Bipolar. And while I try so hard to be “normal| and I get stuck in a vicious circle. It goes around and around. And coping with that AND my oldest son feels impossible.
Managing my invisible illness while trying to have a peaceful house is not easy.
In fact some days I wake up, simply knowing I can’t do it. Like my body can already tell what kind of day it’s going to be, and makes it so that I can’t move. It’s like being on a roller coaster. Every hour, of every day. And, I can’t make it stop.
It’s just the way my life is.
A constant up and down. Every time I’ve tried to get help for/with my son, I’m redirected to 10000 different people. Each one leaving us in between the cracks. Or, I’m told I am the problem. I need to change so he will change. Then, I fight to understand, if all of it is actually happening, or if it’s in my head. Am I making it up? Is it even real?
But, even if it’s in my head, does that mean it’s not real?